no point

Well although Robbie and chelsea remembered and were quite kind to me, many other of my friends, did not pay any attention to the so called important day, making it completely shitty.
This was a retarded day.
I went to montanas and was quite misserable all day.
people can all bite me.

Thank goodness I leave sunday

wow

Today is my birthday and robbie remembered. wow. It seriously just made my day just wonderful. also chelsea a girl i haven't talked to in about 2 years wished me a happy birthday, that was kinda cool.
tonight is synrgy, should be fun, then thats about it.

"Where's Andrea!?"

Yesturday was pretty awesome. Me, andrea, leanne, caitlin, and rae all went galavanting in caitlins car, first we went on by to portage where leanne was caught but the guy from her internship, what are the freaking odds of that, and then we headed all the way back to kp for some shopping. I didn't buy a cowboy hat, what can I say, 25 bucks is a little too expensive and i'm a little too cheap.
After that we went our seperate ways and saw eachother later at the potluck dinner. My parents came so i got to listen to my dad brag about his stupid mail man hats to mrs bobrowski, he just went on and on.... i love him:>
Then we watched a slide show of all the youth grow up, some of those pictures... i'll tell you, awesome.. they forgot poor andrea, well josh did what a dip.... Then they gave this present to all the youth with a card and everything, it was all rather touching yada yada yada. hah
Then the limo picked up the grade 12's.. LUCKY!!! and they chilled in the limo for an hour. And then we all met up at wills house for an awesome party. At first it really started out slow and consisted of us watching episodes on sponge bob but then many things ended up happening. Such as spinning as fast as possible in a computer chair and then trying to run... so funny Becky fell down the stairs. Later on in the night will tried and seriously he was going so fast that all you could see was this blur of green.He decided that since people hadto hold the chair inside, if they went outside in the grass the chair could dig into the ground and it'd be much more fun... so we took the chair outside, will started to spin, faster, faster, then since no one was holding the chair, plop, will fall down go boom. Poor guy actually hit the ground so hard that he broke his shoulder blade.... right before summer too. harsh. Hopefully it'll heal quickly and it won't be too much of a damper on will's summer. Josh didn't even show up. You'd think he'd come for a fairwell... wht a dip
Its crazy to think that camp is only a week away. well training at atleast, it seems like yesturday that i sent in my application and went for my interview, which i got lost for by the way. I really just can't wait for this summer.Today I'm going there for the day actually for some training in the barn, there after I will be going straight to work, I'll have a good sleep tonight thats for darned sure.
SCHOOL IS OVER< I"M FREE HALLELUJAH!!

my heart will go on....

Well i'm completely stressed, not about exams or anything, but whatever, i'd rather actually not type about it.
as i have said many times, I am so ready just to get the heck out of here. I'm just sick of so many things right now. People. I hate when people analyze things and it's kind of like " how the hell do you know?" ugh I guess I probably need to go into details, but i'm really to tired and lazy to do it.
I got an email from robbie, guess he hasn't forgot about me quite yet. we'll just see if he remembers my birthday. hmm... it's in 10 days... well 10 days tomorrow.

I wish it was last summer again. there's lots of things I wish I could relive-redo. There's people Iwoulda reached out to more, maybe I coulda gotten more out of the summer.
I'm using that kind of basic idea for my devotions this summer. I have to lead a devotions at least once during the week. I'm there for 2.....hense 2 devotions. For one of them I'm thinking about doing it on seeing God in everything, or taking about those moments where he seems so far away or so close... it's hard o explain but hopefully it worked. I'm kinda scared about leading devotions. Mainly cus last year I was one of the devotions leaders on this missions trip and the devo's in the book weren'tall that great in my opinion, so i tried to make it better, but my idea completely bombed. what can I say, guess I'm just not that great at it.
well tomorrow I work, then I must study.
Two exams on monday. We'll just see how that goes.

not sure how much more

This week has been long. On tuesday I picked up dogs from the vet and met a nice creepy what i think what a homeless man. Last night I took the puppy home that was sick. I got a total of three hours of sleep last night. So I only went to first period then came home and slept til too. I was supposed to be studying for my physics exam tomorrow.. I didn't do much.
My parents went for a drive in the fire bird,there were supposed to take an hour, they've been gone two.
I want this to be over wth. I just don't feel like waking up in the morning at all.
This is bunk

Feeling Kinda lonely

Well It's tuesday today, I'm working tonight, not really a big surprise there. School ends thursday, well i mean regular classes. Then exams start friday. It shouldn't be too difficult. I can't believe it's over. Monday is my last exam so i pretty much have like 2 weeks of doing nothing before I leave for camp.
I'm so corny. I can't believe how incredibly much I miss robbie right now. I mean you'd think that me missing him so much would motivate me to get off my ass and actually call him. But I expect him to have completely forgotten about me, well not forgotten about me but the feelings " he had" for me. Yet this little gleam of hope, this stupid scenerio I keep playing in my head is of me calling him on Sunday, him not being home, but because he's actually on his way to see me. Then I think YEAH RIGHT. I really ought to stop thinking like that, it'll just lead to more dissapointment.

It's so funny how it feels like it was so long ago, yet it seems like it was yesturday? is that even possible to occur at the same time? Am I just completely messed up in my head? Its quite possible.
Wow, I don't know what to say about anything.
I'm out of here

Anxiety grips its hands around my neck

Well My mind is just going crazy right now. I'm probably going to have a long over due anxiety attack soon. Today is thursday the 9th. Tomorrow is June 10. friday. I have an essay due on Monday that i haven't started yet, then my exams start on friday. I have on on the friday, then2 the next monday then I'm done. I can't believe the year is over. I can't believe I'm in grade 11 and next year is my next year of high school. It just seems so strange to me and I feel so lost. It feels like there's this merry go round and theres this hole in the middle of it and I'm standing it. everything is just zooming by so fast and I can't jump on. I can't seem to fix that either.
Maybe it has to do with the situation with my friends. One of them seems to have different favorites that they focus on and make the others feel left out. I don't know what to do with that because it's impossible to talk to them about it.

I'm not really knowing what to expect what is going to happen this summer. With camp. with certain people going to counsell. It's just going to be a very weird situation that is going to be interesting to see how the whole thing pans out. I might be working on the days that I'm home from camp too. I went into work last night after Synrgy to drop a key off for mike. Lori was closing so I took it as a chance to talk to her and make sure it was cool with her because I left a schedual with Natalie who told me that Lori had actually seen it. But turns out that Natalie might have lied to me because when I went to talk to Lori about it, she said she had not seen it and it was on the bottom of a pile of papers on her desk. I'm just mad because it could have put me in a REALLY bad situation if I hadn't gone to talk to her and she never saw it before the time had come for me to leave. Not good at all. Its all worked out though so I'm thankful that I thought to go talk to her.

I really really really miss Robbie. It feels like forever since I've talked to him, yet it feels lke just yesturdya that I got home from the missions trip where I met him. Oy I doubt that makes any sense.

I feel so woa is me. My birthday is in 20 days but i don't feel loved enough to think that Robbie, or any of my friends besides my family will remember. oh I'm pathetic.
Oh well I'm off to get ready for work

A little overwhelming

Well it's getting closer and closer to school ending and I really cannot wait until it's over. Exams start next week and then I'm done the NEXT Monday. I'm pretty much ready just for the summer to come and for me to get the heck out of here. In my last post I mentioned how I felt kind of left out right, so I feel kinda stupid for saying this, but I'd rather not hang out with them rather than feel left out when I'm around them, so I've kind of just been seperating myself. I'm not sure what I am thinking right now. Kinda all stupid for the time being, but like I said, I think I'm really just ready to get away.

Camp is getting really close, they've been sending me all the reading packages, there's a lot there and it's kind of overwhelming. I'm getting really nervous, but of course I'm still really excited.
Me and my mom went out last night and bought a new back pack ( for the canoe trip) and an alarm clock for when I'm in a cabin. There's still some stuff I'm going to get before the trip ( a new bible ( the kind with the devotions in side and such) and a new flashlight and maybe other stuff, don't know what exactly)

Tomorrow I am going to Rae's before SynRgy and it shall be a good time.
Thats about now for now
keep it real
Lauren

Going to have a pity party

I'm just inthe worst moods right now and I'm not liking it. So beware if you don't like pity parties don't read on because this is pretty much gonna be a " woa is me" entry.

This week I have felt so left out amoung my friends.
Don't get me wrong, last night at synrgy was amazing. It was really a night of healing for our youth group. I managed to fix many relationships with people and It made me feel really great.
But returning to school the next day just felt incredibly left out.
All this week I have. I reallydon't like that feeling.

During Yc they had this big surprise party for meghan and kayla, and really I'd love one of those, but I know I'd never get one from my friends, and it kinda hurts. This is so pathetic, oh my goodness shoot me now. ( this is in no way telling anyone to throw a suprise party because no one from youth/ school has the link to this blog and do not read it) but anyways. I don't feel loved right now and instead any feeling of love that I should feel right now is being covered with a major feeling of envy, sadness, depression, hurt, and being lost. I shouldn't feel that way though, because deep down I know my friends love me right? Wait.... I don't really feel that right now... And it makes me so scared because I don't feel like I have anyone to rely on. I really need to be praying about this I guess.

I thought last night had answered my question about whether or not to return to youth next year, and it did answer somethings but this feeling of loneliness really does not help the situation.

"I will read my bible and pray..."

I had probably one of the best weekends of my entire life this weekend. It was the most intense awesome thing I have ever experienced, so far of course.
On wednesday we made our ways to the church, loaded up our vans and made our way over to Regina saskatchewan. It is a boring trip but it actually went fairly well. We slept over night at Celebration Lutheran church. It was a fairly good sleep. the floor was a little bit hard, but it went alright.
Then the next day we got up and again got in the cars and headed to alberta. I got fairly bored in my van and when we got to the giant rotating easter egg,yes canada has a giant rotating easter egg, I switched over to shayne, tim, jaime, and brad's van. That is a party van. It was quite funny.We spent our time trying to solve a computer game, but we came up unsuccessful. Also brad had to pee several times and we had to pull over in order for himto pee on theside of the road. It was quite halerious.
Finally we made it to edmonton and to the people's house that we were staying at and got into our rooms and had a goodnight sleep.
The next day Josh picked up the band kids and soon we went to west edmonton mall, Which is WAY better than mall of america, and we went shopping where i bought so very cute shirts and a very hott skirt from forever XXI. It was fun. Then at around 2 ish I went to the water park. THAT was enjoyable.
Finally around 6 we made our way over to the rexall center and soon YC kicked off with a really awesome fireworks thing and then United came on stage. They had probably the best worship that I had ever experienced. Worship was with them almost ever time and it was just incredible.
Saturday night Grits played. So funny I enjoy making fun of rap. Then Kutless played a set, which was very good. Then we had more worship with united ( awesomeness) and then Audio adrenaline. They had an amazing show as well.
On sunday, I watched Everyday sunday show, Thousand Foot krutch, and the Mat kearny played an accoustic set as well. It was cute cus he mentioned Winnipeg and we all cheered. We also got him to do his first ever encore and I think He was really happy about it.
Then We had more worship with united for the last time *sniff* (i miss it) And then Toby mac wrapped up the event.
We drove til 5am until regina,then sleptfor 5 hours and then made it back to the city. It was an amazing weekend all and all and I can't wait Til next year!

I fear my own mind

Well, last week at work I was holding a cat and it tried to jump out of my hands, and it completely scratched my hand (bearing blood),and I had large cuts on my arm because of it. Looking down at those cuts remind me of the place I was in last near, and for some reason my mind told me I missed it, that those cuts looked so welcoming and calming that I should do that again. Then my mind raced through ways to think of how it'd be easy to hide with my medic alert bracelet or something. And it scares me because I don't want to go back to that place, of fear, and feeling so lost that I can't turn anywhere else besides hurting myself. I don't feel like that, but for some reason the only thing my mind can seem to bring up is that it misses that feeling.
If it keeps it up I'm going to have to talk to someone.
I fear the thoughts my mind thinks.
It is my own worst enemy.

3 days away

So YC is 3 days away, and right on cue, I have a major cold. I'm really stuffed up and my throat is very scratchy. So I'm pretty much just sitting at home, taking it easy so that I can get rid of it by Thursday.

Tomorrow is victoria day which means no school. Very nice stuff. Do americans celebrate victoria day? no clue. Anyways...I'm not working and so I'm going to be sleeping in and all that stuff. Me and my mom also might be going to Canadian tire and buying a new sleeping bag for myself. I really need a new one for the summer, so might as well get one for YC too. It's going to be so surreal at yc. I'm sure it won't even seem real. And it's so weird because I've been waiting so long for it, but as soon as it's over, It'll be over and thats it. Its just so weird so fast and easy things seem to go by. I've been noticing that about lots of stuff lately.

As soon as I come home the count down to camp will start. That'll be a whole new experience.. I hopeI get my schedual soon. I'mjust waiting for the time to come.
I'm tired and sick and just completely unsure as to what to do anymore. Lots of prayer is needed. I could probably use some encouragement too, but really I don't see that coming from anyone.

I have a bad feeling about next weekend, not about the YC experience but something here while I'm gone. I don't wishfor elaborate, but I'm praying for the health and stafety of those at home while I'm gone.
Other than that I don't really know what else to write
Peace love and Happiness
Lauren

I miss you

Well I can't believe how fast this week has been going. I thought that, being the week before YC, it'd go really slow, but suprisingly, it hasn't. So it's only a week before YC and i'm super psyched. It's going to be an amazing weekend and I can't wait, though I'm still not exactly sure what to expect.
The only thing thats going by really slow was tonight at work. It seemed to take forever. My 5 hour shift seemed to take 10. But it was all good. There were some good things that happened. Including Brady getting called in and such. Sold a cat together... haha well i pulled the cat then handed it over to him, so technically.... haha so pathetic. One of the yorkies came back from the vet and cutest thing ever... picture this tiny puppy wearing a very tiny cone. Sooo cute.

Then Tonight I drove home and it looked like there was a mega accident. As i got closer and the cops waved me on, I saw an over turned motor cycle... hope no one was hurt although I have a feeling, whoever it was, was hurt pretty badly.

Today I found out my exam schedual. I have my physics exam on friday june 17 and my canadian history exam at 8:30 on the next monday and then the same day I have my chem exam. So it's pretty sweet to say i'm pretty much done school on the 21. It seems so close.
I'm getting so pumped for the summer. Especially since Elizabeth said she'd be sending out the scheduals this week. I can't wait.
And since I'm off sooner from school than expected, maybe Robbie can come visit.. I really miss him right now. He was a partof my life and I really want that part back. He's graduating next week. Remind me to call and congratulate him before I leave for YC. I probably will on the tuesday, but if I'm working I'll do it before hand or maybe on Sunday who knows. I really miss him.*a tear*
Anyways thats pretty much all I can write for now.
Peace, love and happiness
Lauren

new bathing suit and galore

I'm just going out of my freaking mind these days and i feel as though i have no reason not to go out of my mind. I just feel so incredibly stressed. I wish i lived in the states. Robbie is done school next week, sarah is already done, and i wish i were done. Bleh!
This week will hopefully go by really fast but i'm seriously doubting it will. I have to do my lab tomorrow which is now over due. I didn't do it this weekend, i completely forgot about it. To many things are just going on right now.
Tomorrow night i always work, as usual we're going to have a good night. Jess, brady, skylor and I all work again. its gonna be good times, well probably not.
Wednesday is worship night, me and becky are going to wear matching hats and be all cool like. haha, me and caitlin bought those tubes that you swing and make that noise, i know great description eh. I also bought water wings... they were a dollar, i found it funny.
we're doing to bring the tubes on the bus next week and annoythe heck out of people. as of now i can't spend any money until the day we leave because if i do, i'm completely screwed. but i can't wait til i get to go.
Elizabeth called, i have no idea when i'm working this summer but hopefully i can get to go on the mission trip this year, i feel so terrible for leaving erin hanging like this. I hope i find out soon, hopefully when i get home from yc.

Thursday i work, saturday i work and sunday i work... maybe this week will go by fast after all..

i wish i was married

Today was Tanya's wedding shower. I'm so happy for her. It seems like her wedding is comming so close so quickly. She's probably going to be the most beautiful bride in the world. Anyways today was her shower and she got so many things. Her and Jeff are going to be set and the only thing they'll have to buy for their apartment is furniture.
Yesturday me and andrea and rae went to boston pizza soooo good. I saw this guy and a girl sitting there and I reconized jeff, i dont know who he was with but it was him after finally asking hm this morning at church.
Then after we went to andreas and watched in good company. it was a really good ending til the end, which completely blew.
Me and andrea checked out the schedual for yc and it is soooo confusing,i have no idea whats going on for it now, but still it should be super exciting.

Tomorrow my mom is taking me to sears to see this bathing suit that she thought would be good. I need something really modest for camp this summer. it's not that mines slutty or anything but it could cover up a little bit more. So i'll be buying a new one, well my mother will buy it... i'm saving for next week... maybe after she'll take me to mongos cus as of now i'm deffinetly craving mongo's grill...
anyways thats about all.

Skillet concert

Well last night was probably the best time. Pretty much everyone skipped youth and went to the massive skillet concert. there were so many followers of christ there it was just amazing. So many people were moshing.. i stayed out of the mosh, last time i was in one i got punched and did not enjoy myself, but i stood where i had like the PERFECT view of the stage. it was grand. I also managed to buy a cd there that nate ordered and waited forever for, and he payed more too, poor sucker..
I saw laura from camp! i haven't seen her forever, she's just as beautiful as the last day of camp! we werein the same cabin, that cabin was deffinetly the best out of all 4 years i went. This year we're both CIT-ing! it's gonna be great. there's gonna be 40+ CITs this year. thats a whole lot, which is okay because from what i hear a lot of councellors that were councellors for my generation are leaving en masse... guess you can only do it for so long.

Im really having a weird week and a weird may all together. so far so many things have happened and it feels like the world is spinning a million times and hour, the worst part about it is i get motion sick. not a good combination... alright so that was a crappy analogy, forgive me please. I've been thinking back to last year some more and i'm really starting to accept the change. I don't think I really even care if i'm friends with those certain people anymore. so i think it's really okay with me. I'm also thinking about my day to day life and how i treat people. I'm really starting to change my attitude and i think this week was a step forward in that. Hopefully that will continue.

Anyways back to the concert last night, because of it, I AM SO PYSCHED for YC05! there's gonna be so many great times there. So many great bands. thousand foot krutch, hawk nelson, toby mac, hillsong united, SO manymore! I can't wait,you can expect a VERY long post on that experience

So maybe i'll just think

Well so many things are going on right now in my life and I really just have to slow down and think things over. This summer I'm officially going to be councelling at camps with meaning. I don't know what my schedual is going to be but this is the most pumped I have been since the missions trip last year. It took me a really long time to even decide if I wanted to do it this year. I prayed about it for a while and discovered it was the right thing to do. Last year I was not called to it what-so-ever. Funny how things change.
I've been missing last year though, how certain things were. It really bothers me how much things can change and not always for the best. Things have changed with my friendships with people. Take for instance my friendship with someone from youth. We bonded a lot on the spiritual retreat, but after certain events that occured on Friday, I cannot even look her in the eye. It really bothers me that much.
Also last year on the ski trip I began to become close to certain people. There were 6 of us in the van for that trip, one of which was my youth pastor. At that time I was very content with my friendship with him. He talked to me and actually acted like he wanted to be my friend. As of late, however, I am very annoyed with his attitude and am very ashamed of his efforts as a role model. I do not believe that he will do anything about the events on friday night because he himself has done the same thing, if he were to infact comment on the matter of how its wrong, he would become a hiprocrate. He can be friends with the others I guess, because he has made it obvious that he is not mine. He constantly talks about how he would love to hang out with us at lunch and we should just ask him, I've asked him 3 times and still no lunch. It is for that and many other reasons that this summer I'm going to have a long long thought and prayer process about whether or not I should return to that youth group. I am annoyed and discouraged.
In the meantime though, I will not think about it too much. In less than two weeks 34 of the youth group are heading down to edmonton for the biggest youth conference in Canada. YC05... www.ycgeneration.com I am probably the most excited for this than I have been for anything my whole life. And I cannot wait for the trip. Its going to be amazing.

Work has been going pretty well I think. Because of the success I'm almost leaning towards something in the veteranarian field. But I still want to help people so I really feel like I should have a big long thought process and prayer time about that. We got some very adorable puppies in that remind me of kirby when he was a young one. They're little yorkies and I wish I could just steel them all.

School is going well. we're getting close. only just over a month to go... I want it to be over so badly...
Anways as I have mentioned I have a lot on my plate currently and I could use some encouragement even though I don't expect it from anyone. we'll just see how things transcend, shall we?
Lauren