Well Last night I couldn't fall asleep until about two Am. It was really hard to sleep because I just kept thinking about everything. I mean last night we talked and I think we sorted it through, and as off this paycheck I'm saving up to go visit him. I figure that right now my parents say I can't go because I'm a kid and such,But next year I'll be 18 and officially an adult. I'll have my own car and my own mode of transportation. So if I start saving money now, even with putting 100$ into my savings about every 4 weeks, I'll have enough for both a year of insurance for my car, and also enough to go to indianapolis to go visit. I figure that I really want to. I think if i see him it'll do something. ah I'm confusd I just want to. So as long as I stop spending money on cloths that I don't need, because I have enough for about....ever. I'll be fine and I'll be able to save up plenty. My goodness start praying that I get enough money to buy a ticket and enough for a hotel. Also pray that I gain enough courage to actually get on a plain because I'm absolutely terrified of flying and plains...
that's my plan.
as of now I've got nothing to do until saturday and which point I work. Then on sunday I get to go to the drive in movie.
School is next week. I'm ready to go.
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
March 30 email
"Hey Lauren,
I know we haven't talked much lately but don't get the wrong impression. I don't hate you and i still want to talk to you. I just don't have the capacity to carry on a long distance relationship. I'm still your friend though and i hope i can still make the trek to Winnipeg this summer. I just hope you're not hurt or sad. That's another reason why guys don't tell girls things sometimes. they don't want to hurt the ones they care for. And i care about you. I still want to be able to talk to you. "
He sent me that march 30. It say he doesn't the capacity to do a long distance relationship, meanwhile it should have said that he has a girlfriend as of now and will be with herfor the next 5 months. Then he probably should have added how he wouldn't talk to me pretty much all summer, then on friday August 26, he'd come online, act as if it were old times, and buy a webcam to talk to me, and still not mention the fact that for the last 5 months he had a fricking girlfriend. Man This just... wow.
Last night i had a dream about it too. so weird, i've never had a dream, that actually had something to do with what i was thinking about before bed, before. And it just makes me upset all over it. I finally accepted that a long distance thing could never be, but I just don't like this and it makes it hard for me to grasp again. How could he say that he cares about me, then do that. I don't understand it. I'm just hurt and confused and I can't believe it.\I find it suspicious that he bought a webcam to talk to me. Like i'm a home wrecker or something.Yeah I do have feeling for him still. I probably always will, and i probably will always hope that something will change. Maybe he does still have feeling for me,i doubt it though. i don't know, i don't know what to think. I just wish i could see him and talk to him. I'm so confused.
I know we haven't talked much lately but don't get the wrong impression. I don't hate you and i still want to talk to you. I just don't have the capacity to carry on a long distance relationship. I'm still your friend though and i hope i can still make the trek to Winnipeg this summer. I just hope you're not hurt or sad. That's another reason why guys don't tell girls things sometimes. they don't want to hurt the ones they care for. And i care about you. I still want to be able to talk to you. "
He sent me that march 30. It say he doesn't the capacity to do a long distance relationship, meanwhile it should have said that he has a girlfriend as of now and will be with herfor the next 5 months. Then he probably should have added how he wouldn't talk to me pretty much all summer, then on friday August 26, he'd come online, act as if it were old times, and buy a webcam to talk to me, and still not mention the fact that for the last 5 months he had a fricking girlfriend. Man This just... wow.
Last night i had a dream about it too. so weird, i've never had a dream, that actually had something to do with what i was thinking about before bed, before. And it just makes me upset all over it. I finally accepted that a long distance thing could never be, but I just don't like this and it makes it hard for me to grasp again. How could he say that he cares about me, then do that. I don't understand it. I'm just hurt and confused and I can't believe it.\I find it suspicious that he bought a webcam to talk to me. Like i'm a home wrecker or something.Yeah I do have feeling for him still. I probably always will, and i probably will always hope that something will change. Maybe he does still have feeling for me,i doubt it though. i don't know, i don't know what to think. I just wish i could see him and talk to him. I'm so confused.
Monday, August 29, 2005
Sunday
Well last night was probably the most fun i've had in a few weeks. It started it off with me working from 9-530, which isn't so great but money so wooooot. After that we all hoped in our cars and followed brady to Lori's place for the nutro survivor party. turns out i suck at water sports, mostly just racing, and i did not win the bbq. I did however win a sweet pen. Then after that, brady followed me home where i got some more towels and a shirt, and we hopped in his car and drove to skylors house for some sweet hot tubbing. there were like 10 petlanders on one hot tub.we just sat there chatting. it was so much fun. It was really sweet of brady to, i live so out tof the way, but he was still willing to do that.
This sunday we're all meeting at the store and going to the all night drive in for the long weekend. it's gonna be so much fun!Tonight at work, i reminded my boss about me having a review, 2 like an hour and a half later she called me nto her office and i had it. I'm getting a 50 cent raise woot.
I found something out...All i'm going to say is....HE"S HAD A FUCKING GIRLFRIEND SINCE MARCH AND NEVER TOLD ME...excuse my anger. He knows who he is.
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
Re-do
well My room will be completely finished on friday, my furniture is now being delivered then and my new bedding is comming in then as well. So it'll be pretty much a brand new room.
There's a lot of things that I wish I could redo but i'll never get the chance. That kinda makes me sad.
Rae-anne fell off a ladder and hit her head and forgets some stuff. so i got to take her to the school for a tour, she doesn't remember a thing. I wish i could forget some things... if only i were so lucky.
I'm really tired and groggy. I feel sad. I miss people that don't even care about me and i feel like i'm wasting my time and that I'm pathetic. then again I am pathetic so i guess it all works out.
There's a lot of things that I wish I could redo but i'll never get the chance. That kinda makes me sad.
Rae-anne fell off a ladder and hit her head and forgets some stuff. so i got to take her to the school for a tour, she doesn't remember a thing. I wish i could forget some things... if only i were so lucky.
I'm really tired and groggy. I feel sad. I miss people that don't even care about me and i feel like i'm wasting my time and that I'm pathetic. then again I am pathetic so i guess it all works out.
Monday, August 22, 2005
funn
so last week was junior high week astcamp, and i think i got lots out of it. On monday night I told my faith story, it was really exciting.
I had to campers that caused trouble and gave lisa lots of problems and made her upset, so i was with them most of the time and because of it, by friday i had like a mental breakdown.
then on sunday when i came home i went to go get my hours... turns out i worked sunday... funny, if i wouldn't have gone in, i woulda gotten incrapfor missing a shift... but how was i supposed to know..
after that incident i no longer felt bad for asking for a raise, which i did today.I also asked for my holiday pay... i like money.
This morning i went to the mall too blue notes is ridding itself of bobbi jeans so i stalked up.
i am annoyed with people. they piss me off so much.
sorry for the really random entry
I had to campers that caused trouble and gave lisa lots of problems and made her upset, so i was with them most of the time and because of it, by friday i had like a mental breakdown.
then on sunday when i came home i went to go get my hours... turns out i worked sunday... funny, if i wouldn't have gone in, i woulda gotten incrapfor missing a shift... but how was i supposed to know..
after that incident i no longer felt bad for asking for a raise, which i did today.I also asked for my holiday pay... i like money.
This morning i went to the mall too blue notes is ridding itself of bobbi jeans so i stalked up.
i am annoyed with people. they piss me off so much.
sorry for the really random entry
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Letting Go
I'm horrible at letting go. I mean I know peope come and go. Unfortunetly thats the way it goes, people enter and leave your life all the time, I know that, but with some people some things, I keep going back to them, and it's making it better hard for me to let go of those memories and those people. This year I want to be different, I want this year to be the best year of all the years of school, because it is pretty much my last. Such I go to college, but that is completely different. The security of who I'll eat lunch with everyday, who I'll hang out with, it's gone. And it's weird. It doesn't really scare me, it's just weird.
Then I think of the years after college. Where I'm on my own. It's so weird to think of me having my won place, just being on my own in general. More weirdness to add to the pile. I've been doing lots of thinking lately. Like me and some people had this really good conversation saturday night at staff stay over. About being the same person out of camp as you are at camp. And I think I have to start trying a lot harder at being good outside of camp. I think I need to start thinking of everything and whether or not it is NCA whether it's at camp or not at camp.
Anyways that was my long babble for tonight.
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
Untitled (My weekend)
My weekend was good. I went to camp for staff stay over weekend, we went bowling and played lots of mau. It was really fun. Sunday morning we went to church. Boy was that church different from mine. but it was cool to see how oother people worship God.
Sunday I came home,i went to get my hours from work then sat at home awhile.
After I went to my friend Natasha's (from work) birthday party. I and one other person were the only ones that showed up, and I was the only one that stayed to eat. which is sad. I felt bad cus i think she was really hurt, especially after reading her blog. I mean lots of people did sign up on this paper she had, saying they were going to go so thats kinda harsh.
Last night I worked and it was just crazy, we had 15 cats and 12 dogs come in. I didn't take my break until 830 and i started at 1.
I'm doing a whole lot of nothing before i leave for camp again, i just don't feel like calling people up. If they call me thats fine. but If they don't they don't have a right to be mad @ me for not calling, which is probably bound to happen. I talked to kayla last night and she promised herself there'd be no crap this year in grade 12. And I think i've decided that too. I think I am just going to be lazy cus i don't want to deal with crap while i'm away.
Incase you're wondering about my title, i put it like that because of that simple plan song. Put it as untitled, but then endedup naming it in brackets.... why not just name it the name in the brackets... point done....
Sunday I came home,i went to get my hours from work then sat at home awhile.
After I went to my friend Natasha's (from work) birthday party. I and one other person were the only ones that showed up, and I was the only one that stayed to eat. which is sad. I felt bad cus i think she was really hurt, especially after reading her blog. I mean lots of people did sign up on this paper she had, saying they were going to go so thats kinda harsh.
Last night I worked and it was just crazy, we had 15 cats and 12 dogs come in. I didn't take my break until 830 and i started at 1.
I'm doing a whole lot of nothing before i leave for camp again, i just don't feel like calling people up. If they call me thats fine. but If they don't they don't have a right to be mad @ me for not calling, which is probably bound to happen. I talked to kayla last night and she promised herself there'd be no crap this year in grade 12. And I think i've decided that too. I think I am just going to be lazy cus i don't want to deal with crap while i'm away.
Incase you're wondering about my title, i put it like that because of that simple plan song. Put it as untitled, but then endedup naming it in brackets.... why not just name it the name in the brackets... point done....
Sunday, July 31, 2005
2 weeks down...
Well I'm back from my first two weeks at camp, and It went really well.
My first week was really fun. I counselled with Randi, she was really nice. We had some trouble with one girl in our cabin cus she had a.d.d. but other. than that it was a really good week.
The next week I did was in the barn. I swear pre juniors (grade 1-3) shoulld not be allowed to ride horses. For instance, us telling them how to get off the horse: " okay so lean forward..." what do they do? lean backwards, yeah, it was interesting. The week also seemed really long, cus othe first group of prejuniors left on wednesday and a whole other group came later that day, so it seemed like 2weeks in one.
There were lots of memorable parts though that i won't write down.
just because i'm too lazy.
but yeah i gotta go
My first week was really fun. I counselled with Randi, she was really nice. We had some trouble with one girl in our cabin cus she had a.d.d. but other. than that it was a really good week.
The next week I did was in the barn. I swear pre juniors (grade 1-3) shoulld not be allowed to ride horses. For instance, us telling them how to get off the horse: " okay so lean forward..." what do they do? lean backwards, yeah, it was interesting. The week also seemed really long, cus othe first group of prejuniors left on wednesday and a whole other group came later that day, so it seemed like 2weeks in one.
There were lots of memorable parts though that i won't write down.
just because i'm too lazy.
but yeah i gotta go
Monday, July 11, 2005
WHAT THE .....
I'm so annnoyed at this point in my summer. I feel so bitter and angry and just really confused about stuff.
Next year I don't know if I want to go to Albright youth anymore. I'm really fed up with some people there and I feel like next year is just going to be really weird. I'm not sure where different friendships will be. They say it'll be close to the same, but really what will it be like?
Or for that matter do I want it to be the same. I'm noticing different things and I'm not sure if I like them or not. I'm really just seeing things and I'm not happy.
I think I really just want counselling to start. I think that if I am ministring to other kids it'll give me a chance to sort through my own things too.
I really just don't know how to think or feel, and I'm just upset and confused.
I kinda feel retarded
I'm sure that's all it is, my being retarded
Next year I don't know if I want to go to Albright youth anymore. I'm really fed up with some people there and I feel like next year is just going to be really weird. I'm not sure where different friendships will be. They say it'll be close to the same, but really what will it be like?
Or for that matter do I want it to be the same. I'm noticing different things and I'm not sure if I like them or not. I'm really just seeing things and I'm not happy.
I think I really just want counselling to start. I think that if I am ministring to other kids it'll give me a chance to sort through my own things too.
I really just don't know how to think or feel, and I'm just upset and confused.
I kinda feel retarded
I'm sure that's all it is, my being retarded
Saturday, July 09, 2005
fun week
Well last week was staff training, it was a really good week. Got to meet all the staff there, and got our staff shirts, they're brown and i like them, they're nice.
Tomorrow is supposed to be the canoe trip for me, but my mom called elizabeth and told her i wasn'tcomming cus she wasn't comfortable with my canoing with the water levels and speeds and stuff. I kinda understand, nothing i can do about it.
I worked tonight, it blew, but it wasn't that bad beause tyler was the closing manager, it's always a party with him.
friends get back tonight,i heard they didn't have a good time, i don'tknow if it's true. Andrea if you read this email me and tell me how the week went. I hope it was a good week. It was fun last year so i don't know why they wouldn't have fun this year.
went shopping yesturday it was good.slept in today, that was double good.
Tomorrow is supposed to be the canoe trip for me, but my mom called elizabeth and told her i wasn'tcomming cus she wasn't comfortable with my canoing with the water levels and speeds and stuff. I kinda understand, nothing i can do about it.
I worked tonight, it blew, but it wasn't that bad beause tyler was the closing manager, it's always a party with him.
friends get back tonight,i heard they didn't have a good time, i don'tknow if it's true. Andrea if you read this email me and tell me how the week went. I hope it was a good week. It was fun last year so i don't know why they wouldn't have fun this year.
went shopping yesturday it was good.slept in today, that was double good.
Friday, July 01, 2005
Pitty Party prt 2
Ha this is just a joyful time for me. I'm feeling terribly upset and it's completely pathetic. So feel free to point that out to me.
I'm just really upset due to the humor of other people. Have you ever had a friend where they're trying to be sooo funny but really all they're doing is being a jerk? Yeah thats one of my friends. And all they're doing is just making fun of me, not just me but everyone and it's really bothering me. And I know you should talk to a person when they're upset with them but I know exactly what this person will do. They'll say in this really whiney voice that just pisses me off so much " Oh my ZGosh I'm just kidding.." or when i do say something like shut up because you're pissing me off ( more polite than that of course) she says, again in that whiney voice " why are yougetting mad at me" MAYBE BECAUSE ALL YOU DO IS FUCKING MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE AND PUSH YOU"RE POINT ON PEOPLE BECAUSE YOU'RE ALWAYS FUCKING RIGHT......ONLY YOU'RE NOT!!! sorry about that, I don't normally swear like that but I'm truely pissed off.
There was this one time where our friend didn't invite us to a get together and I didnt get upset because I had talked to him about stuff and he told me straight out that " sometimes i can be a jerk" and so i took it as that, but then this girl just goes off about how we're really not friends and all this bull, and it's really like she was trying to make me feel like shit, and I really just wanted to say ( i apologize for this) Fuck off, then when i was trying to defend it I said " seriously why are you trying to put me down...." and in that whiney voice " why are you getting mad" BECAUSE YOU"RE PISSING ME OFF. I'd love to tell them that they're upsetting me, but i don't think that person would be able to grasp the fact that her words do hurt people. One of those people being me.
I'm just really upset due to the humor of other people. Have you ever had a friend where they're trying to be sooo funny but really all they're doing is being a jerk? Yeah thats one of my friends. And all they're doing is just making fun of me, not just me but everyone and it's really bothering me. And I know you should talk to a person when they're upset with them but I know exactly what this person will do. They'll say in this really whiney voice that just pisses me off so much " Oh my ZGosh I'm just kidding.." or when i do say something like shut up because you're pissing me off ( more polite than that of course) she says, again in that whiney voice " why are yougetting mad at me" MAYBE BECAUSE ALL YOU DO IS FUCKING MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE AND PUSH YOU"RE POINT ON PEOPLE BECAUSE YOU'RE ALWAYS FUCKING RIGHT......ONLY YOU'RE NOT!!! sorry about that, I don't normally swear like that but I'm truely pissed off.
There was this one time where our friend didn't invite us to a get together and I didnt get upset because I had talked to him about stuff and he told me straight out that " sometimes i can be a jerk" and so i took it as that, but then this girl just goes off about how we're really not friends and all this bull, and it's really like she was trying to make me feel like shit, and I really just wanted to say ( i apologize for this) Fuck off, then when i was trying to defend it I said " seriously why are you trying to put me down...." and in that whiney voice " why are you getting mad" BECAUSE YOU"RE PISSING ME OFF. I'd love to tell them that they're upsetting me, but i don't think that person would be able to grasp the fact that her words do hurt people. One of those people being me.
Thursday, June 30, 2005
no point
Well although Robbie and chelsea remembered and were quite kind to me, many other of my friends, did not pay any attention to the so called important day, making it completely shitty.
This was a retarded day.
I went to montanas and was quite misserable all day.
people can all bite me.
Thank goodness I leave sunday
This was a retarded day.
I went to montanas and was quite misserable all day.
people can all bite me.
Thank goodness I leave sunday
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
wow
Today is my birthday and robbie remembered. wow. It seriously just made my day just wonderful. also chelsea a girl i haven't talked to in about 2 years wished me a happy birthday, that was kinda cool.
tonight is synrgy, should be fun, then thats about it.
tonight is synrgy, should be fun, then thats about it.
Saturday, June 25, 2005
"Where's Andrea!?"
Yesturday was pretty awesome. Me, andrea, leanne, caitlin, and rae all went galavanting in caitlins car, first we went on by to portage where leanne was caught but the guy from her internship, what are the freaking odds of that, and then we headed all the way back to kp for some shopping. I didn't buy a cowboy hat, what can I say, 25 bucks is a little too expensive and i'm a little too cheap.
After that we went our seperate ways and saw eachother later at the potluck dinner. My parents came so i got to listen to my dad brag about his stupid mail man hats to mrs bobrowski, he just went on and on.... i love him:>
Then we watched a slide show of all the youth grow up, some of those pictures... i'll tell you, awesome.. they forgot poor andrea, well josh did what a dip.... Then they gave this present to all the youth with a card and everything, it was all rather touching yada yada yada. hah
Then the limo picked up the grade 12's.. LUCKY!!! and they chilled in the limo for an hour. And then we all met up at wills house for an awesome party. At first it really started out slow and consisted of us watching episodes on sponge bob but then many things ended up happening. Such as spinning as fast as possible in a computer chair and then trying to run... so funny Becky fell down the stairs. Later on in the night will tried and seriously he was going so fast that all you could see was this blur of green.He decided that since people hadto hold the chair inside, if they went outside in the grass the chair could dig into the ground and it'd be much more fun... so we took the chair outside, will started to spin, faster, faster, then since no one was holding the chair, plop, will fall down go boom. Poor guy actually hit the ground so hard that he broke his shoulder blade.... right before summer too. harsh. Hopefully it'll heal quickly and it won't be too much of a damper on will's summer. Josh didn't even show up. You'd think he'd come for a fairwell... wht a dip
Its crazy to think that camp is only a week away. well training at atleast, it seems like yesturday that i sent in my application and went for my interview, which i got lost for by the way. I really just can't wait for this summer.Today I'm going there for the day actually for some training in the barn, there after I will be going straight to work, I'll have a good sleep tonight thats for darned sure.
SCHOOL IS OVER< I"M FREE HALLELUJAH!!
After that we went our seperate ways and saw eachother later at the potluck dinner. My parents came so i got to listen to my dad brag about his stupid mail man hats to mrs bobrowski, he just went on and on.... i love him:>
Then we watched a slide show of all the youth grow up, some of those pictures... i'll tell you, awesome.. they forgot poor andrea, well josh did what a dip.... Then they gave this present to all the youth with a card and everything, it was all rather touching yada yada yada. hah
Then the limo picked up the grade 12's.. LUCKY!!! and they chilled in the limo for an hour. And then we all met up at wills house for an awesome party. At first it really started out slow and consisted of us watching episodes on sponge bob but then many things ended up happening. Such as spinning as fast as possible in a computer chair and then trying to run... so funny Becky fell down the stairs. Later on in the night will tried and seriously he was going so fast that all you could see was this blur of green.He decided that since people hadto hold the chair inside, if they went outside in the grass the chair could dig into the ground and it'd be much more fun... so we took the chair outside, will started to spin, faster, faster, then since no one was holding the chair, plop, will fall down go boom. Poor guy actually hit the ground so hard that he broke his shoulder blade.... right before summer too. harsh. Hopefully it'll heal quickly and it won't be too much of a damper on will's summer. Josh didn't even show up. You'd think he'd come for a fairwell... wht a dip
Its crazy to think that camp is only a week away. well training at atleast, it seems like yesturday that i sent in my application and went for my interview, which i got lost for by the way. I really just can't wait for this summer.Today I'm going there for the day actually for some training in the barn, there after I will be going straight to work, I'll have a good sleep tonight thats for darned sure.
SCHOOL IS OVER< I"M FREE HALLELUJAH!!
Saturday, June 18, 2005
my heart will go on....
Well i'm completely stressed, not about exams or anything, but whatever, i'd rather actually not type about it.
as i have said many times, I am so ready just to get the heck out of here. I'm just sick of so many things right now. People. I hate when people analyze things and it's kind of like " how the hell do you know?" ugh I guess I probably need to go into details, but i'm really to tired and lazy to do it.
I got an email from robbie, guess he hasn't forgot about me quite yet. we'll just see if he remembers my birthday. hmm... it's in 10 days... well 10 days tomorrow.
I wish it was last summer again. there's lots of things I wish I could relive-redo. There's people Iwoulda reached out to more, maybe I coulda gotten more out of the summer.
I'm using that kind of basic idea for my devotions this summer. I have to lead a devotions at least once during the week. I'm there for 2.....hense 2 devotions. For one of them I'm thinking about doing it on seeing God in everything, or taking about those moments where he seems so far away or so close... it's hard o explain but hopefully it worked. I'm kinda scared about leading devotions. Mainly cus last year I was one of the devotions leaders on this missions trip and the devo's in the book weren'tall that great in my opinion, so i tried to make it better, but my idea completely bombed. what can I say, guess I'm just not that great at it.
well tomorrow I work, then I must study.
Two exams on monday. We'll just see how that goes.
as i have said many times, I am so ready just to get the heck out of here. I'm just sick of so many things right now. People. I hate when people analyze things and it's kind of like " how the hell do you know?" ugh I guess I probably need to go into details, but i'm really to tired and lazy to do it.
I got an email from robbie, guess he hasn't forgot about me quite yet. we'll just see if he remembers my birthday. hmm... it's in 10 days... well 10 days tomorrow.
I wish it was last summer again. there's lots of things I wish I could relive-redo. There's people Iwoulda reached out to more, maybe I coulda gotten more out of the summer.
I'm using that kind of basic idea for my devotions this summer. I have to lead a devotions at least once during the week. I'm there for 2.....hense 2 devotions. For one of them I'm thinking about doing it on seeing God in everything, or taking about those moments where he seems so far away or so close... it's hard o explain but hopefully it worked. I'm kinda scared about leading devotions. Mainly cus last year I was one of the devotions leaders on this missions trip and the devo's in the book weren'tall that great in my opinion, so i tried to make it better, but my idea completely bombed. what can I say, guess I'm just not that great at it.
well tomorrow I work, then I must study.
Two exams on monday. We'll just see how that goes.
Thursday, June 16, 2005
not sure how much more
This week has been long. On tuesday I picked up dogs from the vet and met a nice creepy what i think what a homeless man. Last night I took the puppy home that was sick. I got a total of three hours of sleep last night. So I only went to first period then came home and slept til too. I was supposed to be studying for my physics exam tomorrow.. I didn't do much.
My parents went for a drive in the fire bird,there were supposed to take an hour, they've been gone two.
I want this to be over wth. I just don't feel like waking up in the morning at all.
This is bunk
My parents went for a drive in the fire bird,there were supposed to take an hour, they've been gone two.
I want this to be over wth. I just don't feel like waking up in the morning at all.
This is bunk
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
Feeling Kinda lonely
Well It's tuesday today, I'm working tonight, not really a big surprise there. School ends thursday, well i mean regular classes. Then exams start friday. It shouldn't be too difficult. I can't believe it's over. Monday is my last exam so i pretty much have like 2 weeks of doing nothing before I leave for camp.
I'm so corny. I can't believe how incredibly much I miss robbie right now. I mean you'd think that me missing him so much would motivate me to get off my ass and actually call him. But I expect him to have completely forgotten about me, well not forgotten about me but the feelings " he had" for me. Yet this little gleam of hope, this stupid scenerio I keep playing in my head is of me calling him on Sunday, him not being home, but because he's actually on his way to see me. Then I think YEAH RIGHT. I really ought to stop thinking like that, it'll just lead to more dissapointment.
It's so funny how it feels like it was so long ago, yet it seems like it was yesturday? is that even possible to occur at the same time? Am I just completely messed up in my head? Its quite possible.
Wow, I don't know what to say about anything.
I'm out of here
I'm so corny. I can't believe how incredibly much I miss robbie right now. I mean you'd think that me missing him so much would motivate me to get off my ass and actually call him. But I expect him to have completely forgotten about me, well not forgotten about me but the feelings " he had" for me. Yet this little gleam of hope, this stupid scenerio I keep playing in my head is of me calling him on Sunday, him not being home, but because he's actually on his way to see me. Then I think YEAH RIGHT. I really ought to stop thinking like that, it'll just lead to more dissapointment.
It's so funny how it feels like it was so long ago, yet it seems like it was yesturday? is that even possible to occur at the same time? Am I just completely messed up in my head? Its quite possible.
Wow, I don't know what to say about anything.
I'm out of here
Thursday, June 09, 2005
Anxiety grips its hands around my neck
Well My mind is just going crazy right now. I'm probably going to have a long over due anxiety attack soon. Today is thursday the 9th. Tomorrow is June 10. friday. I have an essay due on Monday that i haven't started yet, then my exams start on friday. I have on on the friday, then2 the next monday then I'm done. I can't believe the year is over. I can't believe I'm in grade 11 and next year is my next year of high school. It just seems so strange to me and I feel so lost. It feels like there's this merry go round and theres this hole in the middle of it and I'm standing it. everything is just zooming by so fast and I can't jump on. I can't seem to fix that either.
Maybe it has to do with the situation with my friends. One of them seems to have different favorites that they focus on and make the others feel left out. I don't know what to do with that because it's impossible to talk to them about it.
I'm not really knowing what to expect what is going to happen this summer. With camp. with certain people going to counsell. It's just going to be a very weird situation that is going to be interesting to see how the whole thing pans out. I might be working on the days that I'm home from camp too. I went into work last night after Synrgy to drop a key off for mike. Lori was closing so I took it as a chance to talk to her and make sure it was cool with her because I left a schedual with Natalie who told me that Lori had actually seen it. But turns out that Natalie might have lied to me because when I went to talk to Lori about it, she said she had not seen it and it was on the bottom of a pile of papers on her desk. I'm just mad because it could have put me in a REALLY bad situation if I hadn't gone to talk to her and she never saw it before the time had come for me to leave. Not good at all. Its all worked out though so I'm thankful that I thought to go talk to her.
I really really really miss Robbie. It feels like forever since I've talked to him, yet it feels lke just yesturdya that I got home from the missions trip where I met him. Oy I doubt that makes any sense.
I feel so woa is me. My birthday is in 20 days but i don't feel loved enough to think that Robbie, or any of my friends besides my family will remember. oh I'm pathetic.
Oh well I'm off to get ready for work
Maybe it has to do with the situation with my friends. One of them seems to have different favorites that they focus on and make the others feel left out. I don't know what to do with that because it's impossible to talk to them about it.
I'm not really knowing what to expect what is going to happen this summer. With camp. with certain people going to counsell. It's just going to be a very weird situation that is going to be interesting to see how the whole thing pans out. I might be working on the days that I'm home from camp too. I went into work last night after Synrgy to drop a key off for mike. Lori was closing so I took it as a chance to talk to her and make sure it was cool with her because I left a schedual with Natalie who told me that Lori had actually seen it. But turns out that Natalie might have lied to me because when I went to talk to Lori about it, she said she had not seen it and it was on the bottom of a pile of papers on her desk. I'm just mad because it could have put me in a REALLY bad situation if I hadn't gone to talk to her and she never saw it before the time had come for me to leave. Not good at all. Its all worked out though so I'm thankful that I thought to go talk to her.
I really really really miss Robbie. It feels like forever since I've talked to him, yet it feels lke just yesturdya that I got home from the missions trip where I met him. Oy I doubt that makes any sense.
I feel so woa is me. My birthday is in 20 days but i don't feel loved enough to think that Robbie, or any of my friends besides my family will remember. oh I'm pathetic.
Oh well I'm off to get ready for work
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
A little overwhelming
Well it's getting closer and closer to school ending and I really cannot wait until it's over. Exams start next week and then I'm done the NEXT Monday. I'm pretty much ready just for the summer to come and for me to get the heck out of here. In my last post I mentioned how I felt kind of left out right, so I feel kinda stupid for saying this, but I'd rather not hang out with them rather than feel left out when I'm around them, so I've kind of just been seperating myself. I'm not sure what I am thinking right now. Kinda all stupid for the time being, but like I said, I think I'm really just ready to get away.
Camp is getting really close, they've been sending me all the reading packages, there's a lot there and it's kind of overwhelming. I'm getting really nervous, but of course I'm still really excited.
Me and my mom went out last night and bought a new back pack ( for the canoe trip) and an alarm clock for when I'm in a cabin. There's still some stuff I'm going to get before the trip ( a new bible ( the kind with the devotions in side and such) and a new flashlight and maybe other stuff, don't know what exactly)
Tomorrow I am going to Rae's before SynRgy and it shall be a good time.
Thats about now for now
keep it real
Lauren
Camp is getting really close, they've been sending me all the reading packages, there's a lot there and it's kind of overwhelming. I'm getting really nervous, but of course I'm still really excited.
Me and my mom went out last night and bought a new back pack ( for the canoe trip) and an alarm clock for when I'm in a cabin. There's still some stuff I'm going to get before the trip ( a new bible ( the kind with the devotions in side and such) and a new flashlight and maybe other stuff, don't know what exactly)
Tomorrow I am going to Rae's before SynRgy and it shall be a good time.
Thats about now for now
keep it real
Lauren
Thursday, June 02, 2005
Going to have a pity party
I'm just inthe worst moods right now and I'm not liking it. So beware if you don't like pity parties don't read on because this is pretty much gonna be a " woa is me" entry.
This week I have felt so left out amoung my friends.
Don't get me wrong, last night at synrgy was amazing. It was really a night of healing for our youth group. I managed to fix many relationships with people and It made me feel really great.
But returning to school the next day just felt incredibly left out.
All this week I have. I reallydon't like that feeling.
During Yc they had this big surprise party for meghan and kayla, and really I'd love one of those, but I know I'd never get one from my friends, and it kinda hurts. This is so pathetic, oh my goodness shoot me now. ( this is in no way telling anyone to throw a suprise party because no one from youth/ school has the link to this blog and do not read it) but anyways. I don't feel loved right now and instead any feeling of love that I should feel right now is being covered with a major feeling of envy, sadness, depression, hurt, and being lost. I shouldn't feel that way though, because deep down I know my friends love me right? Wait.... I don't really feel that right now... And it makes me so scared because I don't feel like I have anyone to rely on. I really need to be praying about this I guess.
I thought last night had answered my question about whether or not to return to youth next year, and it did answer somethings but this feeling of loneliness really does not help the situation.
This week I have felt so left out amoung my friends.
Don't get me wrong, last night at synrgy was amazing. It was really a night of healing for our youth group. I managed to fix many relationships with people and It made me feel really great.
But returning to school the next day just felt incredibly left out.
All this week I have. I reallydon't like that feeling.
During Yc they had this big surprise party for meghan and kayla, and really I'd love one of those, but I know I'd never get one from my friends, and it kinda hurts. This is so pathetic, oh my goodness shoot me now. ( this is in no way telling anyone to throw a suprise party because no one from youth/ school has the link to this blog and do not read it) but anyways. I don't feel loved right now and instead any feeling of love that I should feel right now is being covered with a major feeling of envy, sadness, depression, hurt, and being lost. I shouldn't feel that way though, because deep down I know my friends love me right? Wait.... I don't really feel that right now... And it makes me so scared because I don't feel like I have anyone to rely on. I really need to be praying about this I guess.
I thought last night had answered my question about whether or not to return to youth next year, and it did answer somethings but this feeling of loneliness really does not help the situation.
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