All by myself!!

Well I don't even recall the last time I updated this thing. I don't know, i just kind of have to get into the mood to write and to be honest i'm still not in the mood to write but I figured why the heck not.

Basically a lot has changed. I moved out on my own on May 1st and I am LOVING not living with my parents anymore. There's something about being independant that is far to exciting even though it's a tad terrifiying at the same time... and yet the exciting out weighs the terrifying. Yes I have bills to pay, and I have to feed and take care of myself, but I'm loving every moment of it. Sometimes it feels like vacation, like any minute I'm going to have to go home and live with my parents again.. and i hope that doesn't happen. I don't think after living on my own I could go back to living with my parents again.

My friend from Heather is planning on being my roommate which is awesome because 1) I can see us getting along and her helping me stay positive and happy..2) financial break! only pay half the rent! Things are looking up in that department.
Like I siad I'm not really in the mood to type.
All I'm gonna leave you with is...
Erin, Josh and Becky are all leaving winnipeg and that makes me sad.
Robbie has his baby and that makes me happy.
The new school year is going to be interesting.
I'm going to camp ass for 2 weeks and that excites me.
I am now 21, and Don't feel any different.
I'm bored out of my mind.

Just because I suck at blogging

To be honest I'm not really in the mood to blog right now but I figure I've got to give some sort of update as too how things are going.
I'm all moved in and absolutely loving living on me own. Money is super tight right now but I think I can handle it. Its only for a few months anyways.
I got my confirmation that I will be indeed be working at camp assinaboia for two weeks and I'm SUPER excited about that. I love the kitchen.
Things are good.

Sunday is a coming...

Things have been going well. As always it's been a long time since I last posted and as always alot as happened.
When Sam died I decided that I had to move out soon and made a goal to save enough money for September to move out. I also heard that a girl from Saskatchewan that I know from camp and retreats and all that joy was planning on moving here and had no idea where she was going to stay. This seemed like the perfect opportunity for both of us to get what we needed. I needed a roommate and she needed a place to live. So we talked and she seems pretty psyched on the idea.
Things progressed, soon I had everything I needed, kitchen stuff, bathroom stuff, furniture and was on waiting lists for a few places I wanted to live. Then I got a message from a woman in my church who owns an apartment building and has an opening for May first. I went with my parents to look at the place and I decided to jump on it. So in May I will be moving into my very own place. I'm sooo excited. It's a 2 bedroom for only 685 and it's a really big size. I'm going to live there on my own until my friend comes here, which it's looking like she may come late august now instead. I'm just soo excited and hoping that it all works out.
Summer shut down is coming up and I decided I'm going to apply with camps with meaning and see if I can work at Camp Assinaboia for the two weeks because I miss it SO much. I figure I can't go to staff training and I don't really want to counsel so this is my opportunity to serve God in my own way. Plus everyone will be gone for the missions trip and so it's great timing.
Other than that work is good and life is all together good. I am so thankful to God for what he is doing and I'm praying everything keeps working out.

Be more clear!

So I hung out with one of my friends from high school, and of course it was the one that I had the crush on. So anyways I asked him to go to my brother's show with me and my other brother. Then after we went to tim horton's until about 2 oclock in the morning.
So basically, thing that happened:
-he got out of the car when he picked me up to hug me
-held every door open for me
and payed for the tims
so now after that I'm wondering if it was a date and i'm thinking a screwed it up.
I hate over thinking.

burnout memories

I just finished watching my new favorite show. I don't even know how i discovered it but suddenly its like my new favorite show. It's called freaks and geeks and its deffinitely one of those shows that got cancelled but shouldn't have because it's AMAZING. The stories basically revolves around two groups of people the geeks: Sam, Bill and Neal and the freaks: Lindsay, Ken, Nick, Daniel and Kim. Lindsay is Sam's older sister and she was queen of the mathletes and part of, i guess, geekier group until her grandmother died and she decided she needed to find something different. She kind of difted from her Christian friend Millie and the other brains and started to hang out with the burnouts.
The relationships in this group are just dazzling it me, well not dazzling but the friendships are just so unconditional. One minute they're in a fight about a compeltely logical thing and then they forget about it because it's just not worth it to them.
Basically this reminds me of my grade 12 year. I left my normal crowd, or they left me, I'm still not completely sure on that one, and I started hanging out with a group of friends that was quite different. I'm not syaing they were burnouts.... well i'm sure they did do drugs but they welcomed me with open arms for no apparent reason. They let me eat with them and talk to them and hang out with them at spare.They were genuinely kind to me.
So tonight after I finished the last episode of the season I started thinking about these people were were so kind to me. I went looking through my year books and my grad pictures and not nostalgic
So basically this is me saying I miss them alot and hope I can see or talk to them soon!

25 random things

1. I sometimes sing to myself when i'm in the dark so i'm not afraid

2. I almost always prefere to watch the movie apposed to reading the book...the one exception is twilight

3. Even though i probably will see the movie i will beg you to tell me what happens because I want to know what to expect

4. I often don't like people in my bubble. it takes a very long time between when i meet you to when i'll hug you. I barely like sitting on the couch next to my eldest brother.

5. the only harry potter book i read was number 7, i watched movies 1-5 and spark notesed number 6

6. i despise people who think they're better than everyone else, ex: pretty boy, he's a guy that works for extreme dream ministries and when he looks at you he makes you feel inadequate to feel alive

7. I pretend to not think my dad's jokes are funny but sometimes they're so ridiculous that they're halerious and i can't help but laugh

8. I haven't played soccer in 12 years and i'm terrible at it, but i'm still playing.

9. I don't have a specific favorite movie..when ever I see a new one it becomes my favorite...that goes for books as well

10. sometimes I slow down just before a yellow light then bolt through just so the person behind me can't go too, i've also raced a guy who was in the merger lane, i dind't let him in...he had to slow down.. i won!

11. I pretend to know that i have it all figured out... really i don't

12. If i could afford it i would tatto my entire legs and arms, i'm currently trying to think of ideas for sleeves

13. I sometimes think i'm going to die the old lady with the cats.. only i hate cats so it will either be dogs or ferrets

14. if i'm sleeping at home...expecially alone, i have to sleep with my tv on.

15. I am a closet case of ocd. i like things a certain way and if its not like that my heart crushes

16. I take insulting jokes really personally, its because of years of being bullied

17. when i'm over tired I'm halerious... atleast i think so

18. If it wasn't frowned apon to pick your nose, i would do it, because sometimes there's an itch and you need to pick it...i'm also unashamed of picking wedgies...espcially at soccer

19. I cheer everytime I see the gas price go down

20.i have been told that i walk funny but apparently look good doing it

21. about 100 americans think i'm related to robert goulet

22. I miss playing hockey with all of my being

23. I suck at wrapping presents, especially when it comes to corners.

24. I can go entire week without showering before I even begin to get greasy, at no point do i smell bad in that time frame.. i want to see how long i can go without washing my hair and see if that thing about your hair washing it's self is actually true.

25. i enjoy the smell of sharpies and ddry erase markers, they're right above paint in my top ten favorite smells

Hold on...

So things have deffinitely gotten better since the last time I posted. I don't even know how though. It's like somehow I snapped out of this state. I mean every now and then I have my days where I just don't want to go to work or anywhere else, but that happened even before. So I don't know how but I just held on for the life of me.
I kept going to youth and Selah and kept crying out to feel better. I lost my anger and now there's just a smidge of sadness, which is better in my mind.
I don't know all I can say is that when times are tough hold on.
Being angry is far too tiring.

why wake up?

Lately I've been thinking about my life. What I want, how I feel, and I feel completely lost at this particular point in time. The source of my joy and contentment is gone, and it's not like it just got up and left me. That I could deal with, I could deal with something leaving me. It'd be happy, it'd be living a life that it wanted rather than a life I chose for it. But this thing, my happiness, it wanted to be with me. Even in his last moments he wanted to come cuddle in my lap with me as he gasped for breath. He wanted to stay with me. Instead he got ripped away from me and never got the chance to stay. Maybe I think it wouldn't hurt me if he left because I knew he never would. My family and I, we were his life. He loved us. We gave him the best life we could and it was a good life. He was doing great too.
My brother's friend's dad (wordy eh?) died a while backand the family spoke of how he did things as if he knew sub consciously that he was going to die. And looking back did I do the same? My mom didn't want to get another picture of santa and Sam and Kirby. Yet I insisted on taking just Sam and that me and him would have a picture of Santa of us TOGETHER... our last picture of me and him together. Did I know sub consciously that he would't be here anymore? Was the yearning for a picture of us together a sign? But wait, I'm 99.9 % sure that he got sick because of the picture. That the place I took him was contaminated and it's the reason I lost him in the long run... Did I CAUSE this? I mean if I hadn't had the selfish urge to have a picture of us together, he might not have ever gotten sick and he'd still be in my arms now as we speak. Did my selfishness hand him the death sentence? This thought plagues me now as I type. If thats the case? How can I possibly have any joy in my self? If I caused this whats stopping me from hating myself.
Sometimes I think about what I have and what I do, and I think, why? I have a job but why do I bother getting up in the morning? Why not just quit it and be poor and a hermit. Right now I have the thought that maybe I'll just lie in bed and wait for this nightmare to end so I can get back to my life. But how long will that take? And yet I yearn for human interaction. Some how in their eyes and see joy and it feeds me, and it makes me feel better. Meanwhile I wonder, did I suck the life out of the room?Am I act so miserable, am I so obvious of needing their joy that I end up sucking out their joy altogether? Do they deserve that? Absolutely not. So what do I do? Do I sulk in my room and sink into a black whole, all the while yearning for their love, their conversations? Or do I get up and out everyday and hang around them and risk killing their spirits? Is it selfish for me to take the second one? I mean truly I long so much more for interaction that it is a source of happiness. I'd like to hope that I seem a little bit happier everyday but maybe I'm way of the mark? Maybe they see me everyday and think "poor her." Screw that, pitty and help are different things, spare me your pitty and just talk to me like you did before I fell into this.
And then I think of my faith. I am So incredibly angry at God right now. I've tried praying it away, I've had a friend pray over me, but right now I'm hurt and confused, and yet all I can do is cry out to him in worship. "Let the pain and the sorrows, be washed away, in the waves of his mercy, as deep cries unto deep. Come, Lord Jesus,come." I know he can take them away and I yearn and hope that he will. I turn this sorrow completely over to him and yet it lingers. So I guess this healing thing isn't going to happen in my time and that God is going to take it and fix it in his. I know thats the way he works and I know it's for the best, it is God after all. I guess it just sucks that in the meantime I have to feel like this.

Worst new years of my life

June of last year I rescued a beautiful Golden retriever who I named Sampson. Sampson was my baby. We went to the offleash park everyday, he loved car rides, he slept in my room he cuddled and played with me, he was my best friend. He also had a grade 5 heart murmur which is pretty serious, the worst grade it can be is a grade 6. Sam was doing great, his heart never bothered him.
On December 23 Sam began having bad diareah with blood in it, so I took him to the vet where they told me his had giardia.. no biggie it's fixable right? I never would have thought what would happen next.
After a few days of treating Sam for giardia we noticed his breathing had become laboured and every breath he took seemed to be difficult for him. So on December 30 we took him t othe vet where they told us he had some sort of infection, ulsers in his stomache and some fluid in his lungs. Me and my mom made sure to elaborate that this had absolutely nothing to do with his heart.. we asked the vet over and over again.. he reassured us over and over again that it had nothing t odo with his heart, so they gave him a shot to "drain the fluid" some medicine for his "ulsers and infection" the day seemed to go a little bit better, his breathing wasn't quite as bad, until right before he went to bed, it began to get worse again. For whatever reason Sam decided to go get a drink of water from his bowl, which is very odd because during the winter he doens't drink from his bowl he eats the snow outside. So i heard him drink and drink until I heard him vomit. I got up to look and saw he had thrown up all the water had had drank and some blood. I began to worry more and more. My mom stayed up with him during the night until about 5 when he began having open mouth breathing, I had gotten up to take some t3s because i just got my wisdom teeth out to hear my mom on the phone with the emergency vet clinic. My mom had called because Sam went outside and just layed in the snow. I went with my mom to make sure I got to say good bye. I knew he didn't have very long. We got in the car and I listened to him breathing and then began the extremely disturbing sounds he made as the oxygen left his lungs. Within a couple minutes of being in the car, Sam layed down for one last time and then he was gone. I started crying excessively. I couldn't believe it. A year and a half wasn't long enough. We got to the vet and had to take Sam out of the car. i began to lift him, but couldn't hold on because all the blood/fluid in his lungs began to poor out. The nurse who was very sweet took him into the other room and we got to say our goodbyes and then we left him there.
The vet nurse was sure to warn us to stop using out vet for our other dog Kirby, she says that they've seen lots of his patients and he wasn't good. I want to scream at him, I want him to feel that hurting i felt. He assured us it had nothing to do with his heart, he would be fine.. he wasn't. Instead I had to see my dog die in my own arms and I have to have this new year begin without my best friend.