Lately I've been thinking about my life. What I want, how I feel, and I feel completely lost at this particular point in time. The source of my joy and contentment is gone, and it's not like it just got up and left me. That I could deal with, I could deal with something leaving me. It'd be happy, it'd be living a life that it wanted rather than a life I chose for it. But this thing, my happiness, it wanted to be with me. Even in his last moments he wanted to come cuddle in my lap with me as he gasped for breath. He wanted to stay with me. Instead he got ripped away from me and never got the chance to stay. Maybe I think it wouldn't hurt me if he left because I knew he never would. My family and I, we were his life. He loved us. We gave him the best life we could and it was a good life. He was doing great too.
My brother's friend's dad (wordy eh?) died a while backand the family spoke of how he did things as if he knew sub consciously that he was going to die. And looking back did I do the same? My mom didn't want to get another picture of santa and Sam and Kirby. Yet I insisted on taking just Sam and that me and him would have a picture of Santa of us TOGETHER... our last picture of me and him together. Did I know sub consciously that he would't be here anymore? Was the yearning for a picture of us together a sign? But wait, I'm 99.9 % sure that he got sick because of the picture. That the place I took him was contaminated and it's the reason I lost him in the long run... Did I CAUSE this? I mean if I hadn't had the selfish urge to have a picture of us together, he might not have ever gotten sick and he'd still be in my arms now as we speak. Did my selfishness hand him the death sentence? This thought plagues me now as I type. If thats the case? How can I possibly have any joy in my self? If I caused this whats stopping me from hating myself.
Sometimes I think about what I have and what I do, and I think, why? I have a job but why do I bother getting up in the morning? Why not just quit it and be poor and a hermit. Right now I have the thought that maybe I'll just lie in bed and wait for this nightmare to end so I can get back to my life. But how long will that take? And yet I yearn for human interaction. Some how in their eyes and see joy and it feeds me, and it makes me feel better. Meanwhile I wonder, did I suck the life out of the room?Am I act so miserable, am I so obvious of needing their joy that I end up sucking out their joy altogether? Do they deserve that? Absolutely not. So what do I do? Do I sulk in my room and sink into a black whole, all the while yearning for their love, their conversations? Or do I get up and out everyday and hang around them and risk killing their spirits? Is it selfish for me to take the second one? I mean truly I long so much more for interaction that it is a source of happiness. I'd like to hope that I seem a little bit happier everyday but maybe I'm way of the mark? Maybe they see me everyday and think "poor her." Screw that, pitty and help are different things, spare me your pitty and just talk to me like you did before I fell into this.
And then I think of my faith. I am So incredibly angry at God right now. I've tried praying it away, I've had a friend pray over me, but right now I'm hurt and confused, and yet all I can do is cry out to him in worship. "Let the pain and the sorrows, be washed away, in the waves of his mercy, as deep cries unto deep. Come, Lord Jesus,come." I know he can take them away and I yearn and hope that he will. I turn this sorrow completely over to him and yet it lingers. So I guess this healing thing isn't going to happen in my time and that God is going to take it and fix it in his. I know thats the way he works and I know it's for the best, it is God after all. I guess it just sucks that in the meantime I have to feel like this.
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