So things have deffinitely gotten better since the last time I posted. I don't even know how though. It's like somehow I snapped out of this state. I mean every now and then I have my days where I just don't want to go to work or anywhere else, but that happened even before. So I don't know how but I just held on for the life of me.
I kept going to youth and Selah and kept crying out to feel better. I lost my anger and now there's just a smidge of sadness, which is better in my mind.
I don't know all I can say is that when times are tough hold on.
Being angry is far too tiring.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Friday, January 16, 2009
why wake up?
Lately I've been thinking about my life. What I want, how I feel, and I feel completely lost at this particular point in time. The source of my joy and contentment is gone, and it's not like it just got up and left me. That I could deal with, I could deal with something leaving me. It'd be happy, it'd be living a life that it wanted rather than a life I chose for it. But this thing, my happiness, it wanted to be with me. Even in his last moments he wanted to come cuddle in my lap with me as he gasped for breath. He wanted to stay with me. Instead he got ripped away from me and never got the chance to stay. Maybe I think it wouldn't hurt me if he left because I knew he never would. My family and I, we were his life. He loved us. We gave him the best life we could and it was a good life. He was doing great too.
My brother's friend's dad (wordy eh?) died a while backand the family spoke of how he did things as if he knew sub consciously that he was going to die. And looking back did I do the same? My mom didn't want to get another picture of santa and Sam and Kirby. Yet I insisted on taking just Sam and that me and him would have a picture of Santa of us TOGETHER... our last picture of me and him together. Did I know sub consciously that he would't be here anymore? Was the yearning for a picture of us together a sign? But wait, I'm 99.9 % sure that he got sick because of the picture. That the place I took him was contaminated and it's the reason I lost him in the long run... Did I CAUSE this? I mean if I hadn't had the selfish urge to have a picture of us together, he might not have ever gotten sick and he'd still be in my arms now as we speak. Did my selfishness hand him the death sentence? This thought plagues me now as I type. If thats the case? How can I possibly have any joy in my self? If I caused this whats stopping me from hating myself.
Sometimes I think about what I have and what I do, and I think, why? I have a job but why do I bother getting up in the morning? Why not just quit it and be poor and a hermit. Right now I have the thought that maybe I'll just lie in bed and wait for this nightmare to end so I can get back to my life. But how long will that take? And yet I yearn for human interaction. Some how in their eyes and see joy and it feeds me, and it makes me feel better. Meanwhile I wonder, did I suck the life out of the room?Am I act so miserable, am I so obvious of needing their joy that I end up sucking out their joy altogether? Do they deserve that? Absolutely not. So what do I do? Do I sulk in my room and sink into a black whole, all the while yearning for their love, their conversations? Or do I get up and out everyday and hang around them and risk killing their spirits? Is it selfish for me to take the second one? I mean truly I long so much more for interaction that it is a source of happiness. I'd like to hope that I seem a little bit happier everyday but maybe I'm way of the mark? Maybe they see me everyday and think "poor her." Screw that, pitty and help are different things, spare me your pitty and just talk to me like you did before I fell into this.
And then I think of my faith. I am So incredibly angry at God right now. I've tried praying it away, I've had a friend pray over me, but right now I'm hurt and confused, and yet all I can do is cry out to him in worship. "Let the pain and the sorrows, be washed away, in the waves of his mercy, as deep cries unto deep. Come, Lord Jesus,come." I know he can take them away and I yearn and hope that he will. I turn this sorrow completely over to him and yet it lingers. So I guess this healing thing isn't going to happen in my time and that God is going to take it and fix it in his. I know thats the way he works and I know it's for the best, it is God after all. I guess it just sucks that in the meantime I have to feel like this.
My brother's friend's dad (wordy eh?) died a while backand the family spoke of how he did things as if he knew sub consciously that he was going to die. And looking back did I do the same? My mom didn't want to get another picture of santa and Sam and Kirby. Yet I insisted on taking just Sam and that me and him would have a picture of Santa of us TOGETHER... our last picture of me and him together. Did I know sub consciously that he would't be here anymore? Was the yearning for a picture of us together a sign? But wait, I'm 99.9 % sure that he got sick because of the picture. That the place I took him was contaminated and it's the reason I lost him in the long run... Did I CAUSE this? I mean if I hadn't had the selfish urge to have a picture of us together, he might not have ever gotten sick and he'd still be in my arms now as we speak. Did my selfishness hand him the death sentence? This thought plagues me now as I type. If thats the case? How can I possibly have any joy in my self? If I caused this whats stopping me from hating myself.
Sometimes I think about what I have and what I do, and I think, why? I have a job but why do I bother getting up in the morning? Why not just quit it and be poor and a hermit. Right now I have the thought that maybe I'll just lie in bed and wait for this nightmare to end so I can get back to my life. But how long will that take? And yet I yearn for human interaction. Some how in their eyes and see joy and it feeds me, and it makes me feel better. Meanwhile I wonder, did I suck the life out of the room?Am I act so miserable, am I so obvious of needing their joy that I end up sucking out their joy altogether? Do they deserve that? Absolutely not. So what do I do? Do I sulk in my room and sink into a black whole, all the while yearning for their love, their conversations? Or do I get up and out everyday and hang around them and risk killing their spirits? Is it selfish for me to take the second one? I mean truly I long so much more for interaction that it is a source of happiness. I'd like to hope that I seem a little bit happier everyday but maybe I'm way of the mark? Maybe they see me everyday and think "poor her." Screw that, pitty and help are different things, spare me your pitty and just talk to me like you did before I fell into this.
And then I think of my faith. I am So incredibly angry at God right now. I've tried praying it away, I've had a friend pray over me, but right now I'm hurt and confused, and yet all I can do is cry out to him in worship. "Let the pain and the sorrows, be washed away, in the waves of his mercy, as deep cries unto deep. Come, Lord Jesus,come." I know he can take them away and I yearn and hope that he will. I turn this sorrow completely over to him and yet it lingers. So I guess this healing thing isn't going to happen in my time and that God is going to take it and fix it in his. I know thats the way he works and I know it's for the best, it is God after all. I guess it just sucks that in the meantime I have to feel like this.
Thursday, January 01, 2009
Worst new years of my life
June of last year I rescued a beautiful Golden retriever who I named Sampson. Sampson was my baby. We went to the offleash park everyday, he loved car rides, he slept in my room he cuddled and played with me, he was my best friend. He also had a grade 5 heart murmur which is pretty serious, the worst grade it can be is a grade 6. Sam was doing great, his heart never bothered him.
On December 23 Sam began having bad diareah with blood in it, so I took him to the vet where they told me his had giardia.. no biggie it's fixable right? I never would have thought what would happen next.
After a few days of treating Sam for giardia we noticed his breathing had become laboured and every breath he took seemed to be difficult for him. So on December 30 we took him t othe vet where they told us he had some sort of infection, ulsers in his stomache and some fluid in his lungs. Me and my mom made sure to elaborate that this had absolutely nothing to do with his heart.. we asked the vet over and over again.. he reassured us over and over again that it had nothing t odo with his heart, so they gave him a shot to "drain the fluid" some medicine for his "ulsers and infection" the day seemed to go a little bit better, his breathing wasn't quite as bad, until right before he went to bed, it began to get worse again. For whatever reason Sam decided to go get a drink of water from his bowl, which is very odd because during the winter he doens't drink from his bowl he eats the snow outside. So i heard him drink and drink until I heard him vomit. I got up to look and saw he had thrown up all the water had had drank and some blood. I began to worry more and more. My mom stayed up with him during the night until about 5 when he began having open mouth breathing, I had gotten up to take some t3s because i just got my wisdom teeth out to hear my mom on the phone with the emergency vet clinic. My mom had called because Sam went outside and just layed in the snow. I went with my mom to make sure I got to say good bye. I knew he didn't have very long. We got in the car and I listened to him breathing and then began the extremely disturbing sounds he made as the oxygen left his lungs. Within a couple minutes of being in the car, Sam layed down for one last time and then he was gone. I started crying excessively. I couldn't believe it. A year and a half wasn't long enough. We got to the vet and had to take Sam out of the car. i began to lift him, but couldn't hold on because all the blood/fluid in his lungs began to poor out. The nurse who was very sweet took him into the other room and we got to say our goodbyes and then we left him there.
The vet nurse was sure to warn us to stop using out vet for our other dog Kirby, she says that they've seen lots of his patients and he wasn't good. I want to scream at him, I want him to feel that hurting i felt. He assured us it had nothing to do with his heart, he would be fine.. he wasn't. Instead I had to see my dog die in my own arms and I have to have this new year begin without my best friend.
On December 23 Sam began having bad diareah with blood in it, so I took him to the vet where they told me his had giardia.. no biggie it's fixable right? I never would have thought what would happen next.
After a few days of treating Sam for giardia we noticed his breathing had become laboured and every breath he took seemed to be difficult for him. So on December 30 we took him t othe vet where they told us he had some sort of infection, ulsers in his stomache and some fluid in his lungs. Me and my mom made sure to elaborate that this had absolutely nothing to do with his heart.. we asked the vet over and over again.. he reassured us over and over again that it had nothing t odo with his heart, so they gave him a shot to "drain the fluid" some medicine for his "ulsers and infection" the day seemed to go a little bit better, his breathing wasn't quite as bad, until right before he went to bed, it began to get worse again. For whatever reason Sam decided to go get a drink of water from his bowl, which is very odd because during the winter he doens't drink from his bowl he eats the snow outside. So i heard him drink and drink until I heard him vomit. I got up to look and saw he had thrown up all the water had had drank and some blood. I began to worry more and more. My mom stayed up with him during the night until about 5 when he began having open mouth breathing, I had gotten up to take some t3s because i just got my wisdom teeth out to hear my mom on the phone with the emergency vet clinic. My mom had called because Sam went outside and just layed in the snow. I went with my mom to make sure I got to say good bye. I knew he didn't have very long. We got in the car and I listened to him breathing and then began the extremely disturbing sounds he made as the oxygen left his lungs. Within a couple minutes of being in the car, Sam layed down for one last time and then he was gone. I started crying excessively. I couldn't believe it. A year and a half wasn't long enough. We got to the vet and had to take Sam out of the car. i began to lift him, but couldn't hold on because all the blood/fluid in his lungs began to poor out. The nurse who was very sweet took him into the other room and we got to say our goodbyes and then we left him there.
The vet nurse was sure to warn us to stop using out vet for our other dog Kirby, she says that they've seen lots of his patients and he wasn't good. I want to scream at him, I want him to feel that hurting i felt. He assured us it had nothing to do with his heart, he would be fine.. he wasn't. Instead I had to see my dog die in my own arms and I have to have this new year begin without my best friend.
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