well then

Well Last night I couldn't fall asleep until about two Am. It was really hard to sleep because I just kept thinking about everything. I mean last night we talked and I think we sorted it through, and as off this paycheck I'm saving up to go visit him. I figure that right now my parents say I can't go because I'm a kid and such,But next year I'll be 18 and officially an adult. I'll have my own car and my own mode of transportation. So if I start saving money now, even with putting 100$ into my savings about every 4 weeks, I'll have enough for both a year of insurance for my car, and also enough to go to indianapolis to go visit. I figure that I really want to. I think if i see him it'll do something. ah I'm confusd I just want to. So as long as I stop spending money on cloths that I don't need, because I have enough for about....ever. I'll be fine and I'll be able to save up plenty. My goodness start praying that I get enough money to buy a ticket and enough for a hotel. Also pray that I gain enough courage to actually get on a plain because I'm absolutely terrified of flying and plains...


that's my plan.

as of now I've got nothing to do until saturday and which point I work. Then on sunday I get to go to the drive in movie.

School is next week. I'm ready to go.

March 30 email

"Hey Lauren,
I know we haven't talked much lately but don't get the wrong impression. I don't hate you and i still want to talk to you. I just don't have the capacity to carry on a long distance relationship. I'm still your friend though and i hope i can still make the trek to Winnipeg this summer. I just hope you're not hurt or sad. That's another reason why guys don't tell girls things sometimes. they don't want to hurt the ones they care for. And i care about you. I still want to be able to talk to you. "

He sent me that march 30. It say he doesn't the capacity to do a long distance relationship, meanwhile it should have said that he has a girlfriend as of now and will be with herfor the next 5 months. Then he probably should have added how he wouldn't talk to me pretty much all summer, then on friday August 26, he'd come online, act as if it were old times, and buy a webcam to talk to me, and still not mention the fact that for the last 5 months he had a fricking girlfriend. Man This just... wow.

Last night i had a dream about it too. so weird, i've never had a dream, that actually had something to do with what i was thinking about before bed, before. And it just makes me upset all over it. I finally accepted that a long distance thing could never be, but I just don't like this and it makes it hard for me to grasp again. How could he say that he cares about me, then do that. I don't understand it. I'm just hurt and confused and I can't believe it.\I find it suspicious that he bought a webcam to talk to me. Like i'm a home wrecker or something.Yeah I do have feeling for him still. I probably always will, and i probably will always hope that something will change. Maybe he does still have feeling for me,i doubt it though. i don't know, i don't know what to think. I just wish i could see him and talk to him. I'm so confused.

Sunday

Well last night was probably the most fun i've had in a few weeks. It started it off with me working from 9-530, which isn't so great but money so wooooot. After that we all hoped in our cars and followed brady to Lori's place for the nutro survivor party. turns out i suck at water sports, mostly just racing, and i did not win the bbq. I did however win a sweet pen. Then after that, brady followed me home where i got some more towels and a shirt, and we hopped in his car and drove to skylors house for some sweet hot tubbing. there were like 10 petlanders on one hot tub.we just sat there chatting. it was so much fun. It was really sweet of brady to, i live so out tof the way, but he was still willing to do that.

This sunday we're all meeting at the store and going to the all night drive in for the long weekend. it's gonna be so much fun!Tonight at work, i reminded my boss about me having a review, 2 like an hour and a half later she called me nto her office and i had it. I'm getting a 50 cent raise woot.

I found something out...All i'm going to say is....HE"S HAD A FUCKING GIRLFRIEND SINCE MARCH AND NEVER TOLD ME...excuse my anger. He knows who he is.

Re-do

well My room will be completely finished on friday, my furniture is now being delivered then and my new bedding is comming in then as well. So it'll be pretty much a brand new room.
There's a lot of things that I wish I could redo but i'll never get the chance. That kinda makes me sad.

Rae-anne fell off a ladder and hit her head and forgets some stuff. so i got to take her to the school for a tour, she doesn't remember a thing. I wish i could forget some things... if only i were so lucky.

I'm really tired and groggy. I feel sad. I miss people that don't even care about me and i feel like i'm wasting my time and that I'm pathetic. then again I am pathetic so i guess it all works out.

funn

so last week was junior high week astcamp, and i think i got lots out of it. On monday night I told my faith story, it was really exciting.
I had to campers that caused trouble and gave lisa lots of problems and made her upset, so i was with them most of the time and because of it, by friday i had like a mental breakdown.

then on sunday when i came home i went to go get my hours... turns out i worked sunday... funny, if i wouldn't have gone in, i woulda gotten incrapfor missing a shift... but how was i supposed to know..
after that incident i no longer felt bad for asking for a raise, which i did today.I also asked for my holiday pay... i like money.

This morning i went to the mall too blue notes is ridding itself of bobbi jeans so i stalked up.

i am annoyed with people. they piss me off so much.

sorry for the really random entry

Letting Go

I'm horrible at letting go. I mean I know peope come and go. Unfortunetly thats the way it goes, people enter and leave your life all the time, I know that, but with some people some things, I keep going back to them, and it's making it better hard for me to let go of those memories and those people. This year I want to be different, I want this year to be the best year of all the years of school, because it is pretty much my last. Such I go to college, but that is completely different. The security of who I'll eat lunch with everyday, who I'll hang out with, it's gone. And it's weird. It doesn't really scare me, it's just weird.

Then I think of the years after college. Where I'm on my own. It's so weird to think of me having my won place, just being on my own in general. More weirdness to add to the pile. I've been doing lots of thinking lately. Like me and some people had this really good conversation saturday night at staff stay over. About being the same person out of camp as you are at camp. And I think I have to start trying a lot harder at being good outside of camp. I think I need to start thinking of everything and whether or not it is NCA whether it's at camp or not at camp.

Anyways that was my long babble for tonight.

Untitled (My weekend)

My weekend was good. I went to camp for staff stay over weekend, we went bowling and played lots of mau. It was really fun. Sunday morning we went to church. Boy was that church different from mine. but it was cool to see how oother people worship God.

Sunday I came home,i went to get my hours from work then sat at home awhile.
After I went to my friend Natasha's (from work) birthday party. I and one other person were the only ones that showed up, and I was the only one that stayed to eat. which is sad. I felt bad cus i think she was really hurt, especially after reading her blog. I mean lots of people did sign up on this paper she had, saying they were going to go so thats kinda harsh.

Last night I worked and it was just crazy, we had 15 cats and 12 dogs come in. I didn't take my break until 830 and i started at 1.
I'm doing a whole lot of nothing before i leave for camp again, i just don't feel like calling people up. If they call me thats fine. but If they don't they don't have a right to be mad @ me for not calling, which is probably bound to happen. I talked to kayla last night and she promised herself there'd be no crap this year in grade 12. And I think i've decided that too. I think I am just going to be lazy cus i don't want to deal with crap while i'm away.

Incase you're wondering about my title, i put it like that because of that simple plan song. Put it as untitled, but then endedup naming it in brackets.... why not just name it the name in the brackets... point done....