all arounnd great- so why do i feel like shit

So i had an amazing summer. It was pretty much the best, not gonna lie. I left august 1st and went to indy until the 8th. I had so much fun. Robbie picked me up at the airport, i stayed at his house and it was pretty much just a week of me hanging out with him. It was lovley. it wasn't like we hadn't seen eachother in 2 years, it was just like, hey whats up. i miss him, wow. I came back to work to find out i am goiing to be head kennel tech coming up. so that's pretty sweet. So everything is wonderufl, my summer has been wonderful, so here's me wondering why exactly I feel like crap. I'm still struggling about believes, visiting robbie and going to his church but me back towards the christian side, but at the same time i'm still battling myself towards the anti. but i did go to church sunday. I don't know it's weird. I also have been thinking about being a spit (sponser in training) for my old youth group, like suddenly I have this thought in my head, kinda how it happened when i was a camp councellor. So i emailed josh asking 1) what was involved in being a spit 2) how one becomes a spit. I honestly wouldn't be surprisedif he flat out told me no though, just because of the conversations i've had with him in the past. i guess we'll so though i'll keep you posted

the new and exciting in the life of lauren

so i don't even know how long it's been since i've actually written in here. I don't plan on going back and actually looking. I don't even really care because i'm sure I was a completely different person when I wrote that stuff. unsure of myself and all that. Things have changed. I've changed. I know me. I know i'm happy with me, and I know that i don't believe in the same stuff and I'm happy about that, cus that stuff doesn't make any sense in my head. So the store inspection at petland went well (dean came july 5) i did really well. Dean complimented me on the floor pens and he also told natalie that was the best he's ever actually seen the kennels look. Yay me. The next week the managers, mike, lori and nat, had a meeting. In the meeting they talked about my promotion to head kennel tech. Lori still hasn't talked to me and gave it to me yet, but atlead i know it's coming. Tomorrow I work from 9-5:30, after that there's a potluck at Lori's, pool party that is. It'll be lots of fun, i hope.Also big news. So i was supposed to go visit robbie july 1-7 but i decided to stay and work on getting my promotion. So now i know i'm getting it so we have it planned and it's for certain that i am now going to visit august 1-8. That's in 10 days! oh i'm so excited.I leave the 1st at 7:30am. I arrive in minneapolis at about 10:51 where i connect flights and get on a plane to indianapolis. I arrive at 12:46. Oh my gosh I can't wait. i know this next week is going to go by so slow. then again maybe not. I work alot next week, monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday and sunday. So hopefully it'll go by super fast, but like i said i doubt it. I'm too excited. Although i'm super nervous because i've never flown before, and i'm going alone! it'll be great though. I haven't seen him in 2 years and oh my gosh, I miss him. I can't wait to meet everyone down there. Kristen seems nice, marty, oh my. And i get to see nick again. ooooooof. I'm gettign giddy writing about it right now. anyways other than that there's nothing really new. I don't expect to update anytime until i get back. But when i do expect a HUGE post.

Things are perfect just as they are

my week and then some

so grad was last week. it was good acctually.i mean i'm super glad mike came with cus his drunkeness was too funny. and i think i woulda been miserable if he wouldn't have been there. thursday was commencement, i think it was probably the longest day of my life. I wanted to shoot myself. Hpwever on the ride home i called into the radio, played rapid fire and qualified to win a meet and greet with dashboard... holy shit would that be amazing. Then i went and bought a cell phone. Thats right, ask my for the number and we can be buddies. haha. Then after i came home connie and mom took me to the casino where i lost 5 dollars. it was a grand old time. I gotta say being 18 doesn't feel any different. Apparently i give the vibe to people that i hate them... it's kinda sad. on the other hand, there are some people i am fairly p-oed with right now for reasons. oh well I didnt get into it on my myspace journal but i will here. just cus i feel more able to vent on this page. i like it. I'm very sick of holding on to relationships and trying to be someone's friend when clearly it is pointless and my efforts are merely futile. Things are different and people have made it clear that because some things are different everything has to be different. we can't be friends. and still i keep trying. going to see certain people off at airports. when really it doesn't matter to them at all. then also going to meet them when they come back. sorry but that did absolutely nothing- except ended up allowing me to get pulled over because i pulled a red like (i got a warning) again we go back to NOT talking. and NOT being friends. there are so many words i'd like to say. Like how -if a certain incident that took place at a friend's house, took place now the same thing would not have happened. infact i could say this person being involved in what happened. I can see myself not being told what i had the right to know. And as much as yes it bothers me, and i'd love to go off on them, even though i know i'll never have my chance. I thinkall it does is prove my point. And I ope every last one of them realizes that 1) we're all going to the same place. Whether it be hell because i don't beleive in jesus and they're hiprocrates, or no where cus no such thing exists. 2) that they really are a cult. I'm sorry but it truely is an organized religion. no matter what way i try to look at it my mind keeps going back to how people organized this religion, andd people say that the book (bible) was inspired by god, i can't believe it. because man wrote it. they wanted people to believe what they said, and they got exactly what they wanted. They left stuff out and now because "the truth" has been around forever there's no possible way that anything else could have happened. I also despise how people try to quote bible versus to try and get me to believe. i'm sorry but don't even start. I used to believe it and i consider myself bible savey, i've read it. i know what it says, and i don't care. just because you chose to believe it, please don't force me to listen to your dribble. I have cleary shown that i don't give a shit. so back off. people don't care about other people. as much as they say they wannt to reach out, they don't they stick to their own group of fellow believers. and then if one leaves. they're out. it's like an amish colony or something. shunned if you're different, or rather have different believes. I can't stand it anymore. I've had enough. I'm done trying

A little bit more to think about

So i've been thinking more and more and more wit my issues with christianity and christians in general. So my first thought is about the bible. People are CONSTANTLY saying how its been proven accurate and all that stuff. true. it has been proven historically correct. Jesus was a man, he lived, he died. sounds good. paul was a man, he lived he died. okay. Peter....you get the point. There's no arguing that, that's not at all what 'm trying to say.But it has NEVER been proven the jesus is the sonof man, that he rose. that's where the believes fall. and i'm sorry but i find it very harrd to buy into that. thhere is no possible way to prove your believes in the whole idea. And people need proof. And I'm sorry but saying you can "feel God is real" isn't proof. I'm sorry as far as i'm concerned, when i hear people say "i've seen his work" i want to add "when i was on crack." I'm sorry but even if it were true, do you ever think that christians take the bible FAR to literally. I mean i'm sorry but not everything in there is meant to be taken 100% literally. Not only that, but i think that some christians think that the bible was written by god and thrown down from the sky. It wasn't. as far as i'm concerned peter was using one of them lamps and the burning fumes made him think of the stuff he wrote. I think some of those people were on something, thats for sure. Now for the christians, I honestly cannot comprehend for the life of me how they/ you, can possibly have the nerve to tell someone that their believes, or lack their of, are wrong and not expect people to be offended or not think that they/you are not a bunch of narrow-minded, pig-headed morons. What makes your believes right and mine wrong? because you feel that they're right, cus some voice in your head, which by the way, that voice... not god...it's your brain, ythose thoughts have just been driven into your mind from the very moment someone was able to drill them in- tells you that it's right. well my brain, the voice in my head tells me otherwise... Yet i find it absolutely HALERIOUS how christians CONSTANTLY wine about how they get predjudice against or their sick of people saying that their believes are wrong.."because their not"...seems a little hiprocritical, don't you think? they apparently are sick of people thinking that all they wanna do is convert people.. i'm sorry, i hate to burst your bubble....well actually i'm not sorry, i'm quite happy to say this, but people think that.... because its true. thats what you make yourself out to be. that's my rant about christianity. lets here about my weekend shall we? well on friday, i had off, i went to get my car washed. so it's nice and clean. Then mike and me went to tracey's house... on our way there we drove past the car wash, mike wanted me to yell "jesus is overrated"lol i was tempted but i ididn't. i opened today and yesturday. and i'm soo sick. i feel like shit. oh well. hopefully this week goes well. only really 2 weeksof school left. holy crap, i need itto be over. I'm excited for grad. I'm so glad mike is coming with me because ithink i'd be miserable there otherwise. complete loner since i have no friends. well whatever. I'm tired. and sick. So i'm out

smoooooze

holy shit it's been along time since i've actually written anything in here.it's quite crazy.I've changed so much. i don'tthink i'm bitter anymore. I've realized i just don'tcare anyone. people have proven to me over and over again that they don't care and i don't matter to them, no matter how much they pretend otherwise. And i'm not dissapointede at all. its hard to be dissapointed when you never really had hope. as horrible as that sounds, why should i care. all people have done over and over have dissapointed me when i did have hope. so after awhile you just learn not to care. if you don't care,you can't get hurt.

I have fun doing things that i probably wouldn't go if i was still into that"scene" i mean i like how things are going for me right now. maybe one day i'llgo back, but right now i'm not seeing much. i sincerely doubt with all my heart and every morsil of my mind that when high school ends, that i willl ever see any of my "friends" again. i doubt i'll ever go to church, and since thats the case its quite evident that i won't receive a phone call from them, they've already proved that time and time again.$20 says they don't even remember my birthday. and whatever that's fine. it's too be expected.. all i gotta say is prove me wrong. i don't seeit happening.

i give myself more credit. i used to give god credit for things i've done... i'm sorry but what god spotted that a dog wasn't feeling well? um no? brent did, he told me and i took it to the vet. sorry. me. not god me. giving god credit for things he didn't do, that you did do, is confidence breaking. gosh take some credit for your good work, when you get a good job, say thanks. bask in your own glory fuck, if you deserve it, you deserve it. i've worked hard, and because of MY hard work i've got success.

yesturday at youth people talked about how they can get angry with god, and not understand why he didn't help someone,or he took someone away.. he dind't take or save anyone... that cancer patient lived beecause they got the medicine and their body reacted to it like it was spposed to...that person died in the car crash cus they ran the red light, or cus that person was a moron and drank and drove. it happens. people die and people live and life goes one. and we deal. you keep on trucking and you keep on living cus thats the way life works. i'm sorry
but people miss out on so much because they're praying or trying to be pleasing to some god that may or may not exist, when they could be having fun, frick go dance go have fun, go listen to some music that doesn't praise god, holy shit did i break you're little bubble?
now you little christians go ahead, tell me i'm going to hell, but you know what? i'll cya there cus you're all a bunch of hipprocrates. wheather it be lying, or swearing or whatever it may be.

I was watching tv and a preview for the omen came on, soi checked out the site and looked at it and it tlaked about the visas and microchips howthat'll be the sign of the beast and shit, and i'm sorry but i think people take that whole theory way to literally i don't think that if there is a rupture and revaltions that if theres a sign of the beast it'll be so literal.maybe it's a metaphorical sign ya know? i think people take way too much stuff in the bible literally... jeeze people! thats all for now. what a long one eh? welcome back lauren!

yup

shoppping
so tomorrow i'm going shopping with allison, super excited, i haven't gone shopping with her in so long.
Today i went to mcdonalds and visited becky at work and enjoyed a nice hamburger happy meal. Some little girls form the near by junior high llaughed at me for buying a happy meal, and i laughed at them cus they think i cared. besides i got a freaking toy, so screw them.

Things are certainly strange right now. I've had some comments made towards me that i did not appreciate AT ALL. and that was an experience that's forsure. I'm currently going out of my mind right now. i'm not sure what i believe in. as i've said a million times. I'm pretty much split. tonight at youth i sand the worship until the point where we sang my redeemer lives. I just couldn't sing the words " i know he's rescued my soul, his blood has covered my sin i believe.... i believe" i just couldn't bring myself to do it and i just started getting more and more confused.and the words pointed out to me hoow confused i am really. I don't like talking about things either especially when i feel like i can't talk to that person. yet i am going to talk to them, and i doubt it will do a damn thing.
well i think i'm officially screwed in the head. hur freaking rah

note to self: don't look at pictures of the people who make you bitter, when they're all smily and happy in the pictures....

mmmmmhhhhhhhhmmmmmm

so after reading a fellow blogger's well blog, i am quite i dunno, my brain is running na d runnning. and i'm wondering do they actually mean what they say in their blog. because i honestly don't. it talks about their love for all people.and i'm sorry i don't see that love for many. i dunno i'm in one of those states of mind right now... screw this i'm going to watch te basketball game i tapped

bitter like a fox....

so last night i went through some old stuff on my bulletin board in my room. in one envelope i have all these encouragement things form the last 2 years. they make me incredibly bitter as of right now especially ones from certain people. they talk about what a great friend i am and how much they appreciate me and blahblah blah, where the hell are you now friends?one actually tells me i have a gentle spirit. all i gotta say to that is: shove it up yer ass there buddy.

Also on my bulletin board is my baptism certificate. I wish to take it and crumple it into a ball and throw it at a certain someone either that or rip it up infront of their face. maybe i should mail it to them in pieces. that could be fun.

I've officially stopped wearing my necklace. I took it off last night and put it in the cup next to my bed. incase you aren't smart i meant my cross...

yeah i'm bitter. i despise things right now

birthday party machine and more

Well not too much is new.
Friday night I had a birthday party i guess that was last night eh. anyways it was alright. I took the animals and it was at this little church off of plesis. It was for a bunch of 8 and 9 year old girls. It really takes me back to camp training when we went through the different age groups and they summarized each one. I know realize how accurate they are. Every time I'd ask if anyone had any questions a bunch of girls would raise their hands and then go off on some story. haha it was funny. It was good, I was really scared that i wouldn't be able to make it drag out to be and hour long, but with all the girls intrupting me it did. Not only that but it made me look really patient so i got many kudo's from the parents. I started the presentation 15 minutes early, which meant i got out of there 15 minutes early.
Then i booked it over to youth where i came to a very dark church. when i got in there there was a bunch of candles and they were doing their little kumbaya's and hallelujahs. needless to say that when i got there i had no idea what the hell was going on, so i didn't join in, not that i would've anyways. I really just shouldn't have bothered going at all. I really thought i was asked if i was going so i could do presentation, but it was all emoey accoustic and there was no need for presentation, therefore i don't really get it.... unless....
well nevermind, all i'm going to say is: a little late.

this morning i opened and i managed to haul ass and get a lot done. tomorrow i'm opening again, i fear i may not be so successful since i rarely ever have 2 good days in a row. who knows though, maybe i should be positive and everything will be good.
doctors appointment monday, report cards tuesday. i don't know what else to say other than that. I mean i could go off on some big rant about believes and the inner most thoughts that i don't get a chance to talk about. But i think i'll just save that for now, and forever.........................

on second thought , i changed my mind. I'm really fed up with christian ideas right now. First of all the idea of heaven is really out of grasp for me right now. i find it very difficult for myself to believe in. which leads to: if there is no heaven, then there's really no thing with the whole sin issue and therefore no one needs to bare it for me. does that make sense? yeah i think it does. don't get me wrong, i still think someone or something created the earth, the big bang, we all started from one cell, theory is way to crazy to be believed in, in my opinion at least, but right now, that theory and heaven are in the same boat.

However if there is a heaven, the idea that " non-christians" don't get to go there is pretty fucking ridiculous to me. i mean this loving God doesn't love someone enough to allow them eternal happiness despite some flaws? i'm sorry that seems alittle stupid to me, i understand God's perfect and everything but holy crap lets jsut shut out everyone that doesn't believe in jesus..... Let me just put this scenario in your head, someone in my family, lets just say my immediate family and someone who doens't believe in this stuff at all, my brother for instance, dies. I'd be freaking upset crying an i'd most likely want some form of comfort. If you're a christian you're going to tell me that because he wasn't a christian that he's not in heaven? instead he's in hell? what the fuck is that? will somebody please tell me, why that is? that becausehe doesn't beleve in that he's going to burn. you think that gives me comfort? you think that the idea of someone burning in hell is a good one? do you think a LOVING God would allow that?

these are my current thoughts on things, maybe somehow i'll have them changed, i mean there is still a part of me that wants to beleive in it again, and those thoughts are oddly out of place. but those are the thoughts that are leading right now..... maybe i'm possesed.....BOOGA BOOGA

as for my "a little late" comment.

when i first started losing my faith in this stuff, i emailed the one person that i thought would say something and make an attempt to talk to me. however, there was no reply, no acknowledgement that they received that message when i know they did because i didn't getone of those postmaster messages.

Then on wednesday, that person suddenly decides to ask me if i'm coming on friday, for what i thought would be to do powerpoint, which as i previously mentioned, it wasn't. The only thing i could think of that the person thought this night would help me, and that by asking me if i was coming i'd be all gung-ho. well i'm sorry but after however many months it's been since that email was sent, you're a little fucking late and you're gonna have to do a little more than ask me if i'm coming.

you know what i went off on my rant and now i'm pissed off. thank you very much. whatever i'm out

problem solved

why do we hope like children only to be crushed. I have a simple solution:

if you do not hope you cannot be dissapointed.

it sounds harsh but it is the simple reality

silly kitty

So this week has just been a nightmare... and it's only tuesday. That tells you something
So last night i get to work and they're like go pick up that cat that was neutered from the vet.So i go, get there get the cat, walking it out to the car, when the door on the cage breaks, the cat runs. ya,so i'mchasing after it and it goes in this stupid auto body park thing and under some car parts,soafter that i'm like bawling my eyes out so then i call mike and he coems and helps me look,, yeah i got nothing done in the kennels that night.
so tonight, i did tonights and yesturdays cleaning and stuff. i got everything done in plenty of time.
This week also started semester 2, after going to some of my classes i did not engjoy my schedual. first of all my english class was wayhuge and i didn't like it, so dropped, pyschology was stupid.so dropped, so instead i changed my 3rd period to english tec and now i have chm spare, english, lunch,spare spare. so i'm still off early. good stuff.
I just couldn't take another semester with chartrand it'd be horrible. anyways its now time for bed, right after school i have to jet to work. YES!!

grad dress

so i bought my grad dress
thats pretty much it

work tomorrow
saturday is cpr
sunday work and applebees

looking forward to it.

i'm kinda bored right now, nice.

hmmm

Yeah i just posted a minute ago on my space and i read another one of my posts, the one right before i posted and i suddenly felt in the mood to right. I did sign up for the retreat.don't ask me why.i pretty much feel like i'm paying 40 bucks to do powerpoint... oh i'm sorry..... easy worship....welll presentation... anyways you know... yeah. i don't know like isaid part of me is still wanting to be allup i nthe God thing part of people is kinda liek geez let is go don't bother.... i'm pretty much at war. i don't know who's winning. maybe something amazing will happen... hell, i said that about the last retreat, and nothing happened. i don't know i want something to happen. a really good message where i can just have that switch flicked on to get me gung ho again.
I went to c&c tonight and i think thats why i'm so at war. I mean i didn't give a crap about the lyrics of the songs, but the songs themselves were fun to sing. i mean you can't help but have a grand time while singing meet me inthe river..it's just not possible to not jump and dance around. who knows. like i said i'm very divided. bah
i need help. but the people i should be talking to about it...well there's no wayin hell i will. not that i don't want too....but i can't but i can... agh frustrated much? i sure as hell am. well i'm bored and ready for bed.
imust get up early tomorrow for work....anyways night

a tad fed up

it's been a long time since i last updated, i've been focussing on my space lately. I apologize. haah oh well here it is:

well today has abeen a long day, i can deffintely tell that i'm pissy cus everything aobut today pissed me off. However i did enjoy doing my presenation for world issues because the look on people faces when i shared some of the information was priceless.
Then i went to work and much pissed me off there, for instance the dishwasher was broken, no fun at ALL! oy talk about annoying. we also haven't sold ANY dogs so we're STILL at nine kennels.
oh well
saturday i'm inviting good old work people over for a good ol game of trivia pursuit.that's right it'll be a good OL time. haha
i'm getting very fed up with this car shoppping thing. my god it's annoying, i hate the looking, i just want to buy one already. jeeeeze, turns out we should have just bought the first one me and my mom saw, go us! dammit.
tomorrow is early dismissal, and my mommy is going to pick me up and we're going to go looking at cars as well as possibly going to apple bees, i've been craving their chicken quasedilla since saturday night, haha. oh well. hopefully my craving will end tomorrow. yummy delicious.
anyways that's all for now. end of semester 1 is gettting closer and closer. woot. i can hardly wait