Don't you miss the way we were?

We’ve fallen out of grace again
Could be the beginning of the end
We stood by and watched the other walk away
Could not stay
I can’t believe we give up so easy

Don’t you miss the way we were?
Don’t wish we made that turn?

What we said was sometimes meant
Wasn’t worth the path that we spent
Even though I don’t know how much we tried
Or why
For all it’s worth
It’s not what we deserve

Don’t you miss the way we were?
Don’t wish we made that turn?

The best times are far-gone
All that’s left is to forget
Still I seem to hang on


Don’t you miss the way we were?
Don’t you wish we made that turn?
Don’t you miss the way we were?Don’t you miss the way we were?

Good song by default

who am i?

Well i'm not sure who i am, but this is what i do know.
-my name is lauren
- i'm 17
-I'm in grade 12
- I became a christian at camp assinaboia
-i was baptised october 5th, 2003 by pastor joshua smith
- i work at petland in the kennels
- somehow i lost myself
- i don't know where or how
-tonight i saw something written on the prayer wall, it interested me
- i got angry at it
- i'm weird like that
- i want help find God again but i hate when people ask me if i'm doing well spiritual, yet i yearn for someone to show me they care about it
-i feel discouraged
-I have a puppy named kirby, i got him christmas of grade 9
- i'm at student council at school
- i dyed my hair darker
yeah i'm lost right now. who am i? well the truth is i don't know cus i think it constantly changes. But i guess who's i am doesn't.... if you read diary of a teenage girl you'd get it..

it has begun!!!!

ah mortal combatt aha

anyways yeah it has started.my mental break down that is.... speaking of which i ought to inform you that it's no longer called a mental break down, now it's a depressive episode....in here it is.. a depressive episode... i welcome it with open arms. please be aware tat this is going to be a giant rant... you don't want to read one.... leave now.Anyways so sunday at work many things happened. I discovered that i had a whopping 2 shifts. saturday and sunday. Does anyone else recall me asking lori for more than that about a million times? I sure as hell do.

Anyways...So then we also wrote a note ( because of advice for our assisant manager to lori stating how we think we need 1 head kennel tech) turns out it's none of our buisness. then she went off about how we were too concerened about that because the schematics weren't done.. luckily natalie said it was based on her advice and how we did it on our own time.. according to natalie i'm not going to be bitched at.

Anyways back to the shifts... very fed up. I was so upset that i actually cried at work, which i have NEVER done. EVER before. So, that was different natalie told me she'd talk to lori. She did last night i went back in. according to lori there's nothing that can be done about it unless i want to take cash shifts. The reason i'm in the back is because I HATE cash shifts. Meanwhile jamie who is on the floor has equal kennel shifts to me... i'm sure there's a certain way for the shifts to be arranged that can land me more shifts plus give people equal shifts. Fucking hell i'm pissed off right now about that. Its just one more thing on the listof stuff. So of course when she told me all that stuff about nothing can be done. i started to cry again.... wow it's only the beginning.. I don't even care anymore. I'm so pissed off and it such a bitchy mood i don't care about jack all at all.

I miss him.. I wish he'd come online....

mental break down in... 3...2...

well i'm pretty much given up, i was going to talk to erin on wednesday, but i didn't get teh chance. So for now i'm quitting. i mean i still believe what i believe but right now i don't seem to have the energy to try. so now i wait for my break down. should be fun. It will happen, it always does. It's like a vicious circle. Not saying i'm doomed to repeat it or anything, but i am, ha. it's my own fault i know,i put myself there.

oh well i got called into work tonight, made a display pretty, well i thought it looked pretty, we'll see if lori agrees tomorrow.. i didn't quite finish, i was pretty much back and forth between cash and making pretty all night. Wow i hate cash. people totally reminded me of why i wanted to switch into the kennel.. ah people, how i hate thee.I work tomorrow night. should be fun. never worked a friday before. it'll probably feel a little weird. I booked off october 7th though seeing as how it's sex ed night at youth.. HAHAHA funniest thing EVER...i can't wait.

October 8th going to tyler's girlfriends, sister's wedding social. a bunch of people are going from work.. i'm gonna be the dd. woot. should be fun. might sleep at jessica's after haven't decided yet, we'll see how the schedual is.WORK IS GOING TO THE CORN MAZE!!! its gonna be freaking fun!!!!!oh well. tomorrow is school i'm out.

let it all out

Let it all out
get it all out
rip it out remove it
don't be alarmed
when the wound begins to bleed
cause we're so scared to find out
what this life's all about
so scared we're going to lose it
not knowing all along
that's exactly what we need
and today I will trust you with confidence
of a man who's never known defeat
but tomorrow, upon hearing what I did
I will stare at you in disbelief
oh, inconsistent me
crying out for consistency

and you said I know that this will hurt
but if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember
the end will justify the pain it took to get us there

and I'll let it be known
at times I have shown
signs of all my weakness
but somewhere in me
there is strength
and you promise me
that you believe
in time I will defeat this
cause somewhere in me
there is strength

and today I will trust you with the confidence
of a man who's never known defeat
and I'll try my best to just forget
that that man isn't me
reach out to me
make my heart brand new
every beat will be for you
for youand I know you know
you touched my life
when you touched my heavy heart and made it light

ilike cried when i listened to that song, it's so sad, oy.
Anyways tonight i worked and all i wanted to do he whole time wascry. All i could like about was how much of a let downthe retreat was and how it didn't fix anything and how i'm still completely far away from God. It makes me feel so horrible. I wish i could have prayed with someone but i didn't, and now i just keep thinking about how like empty i feel. I've never felt like this before... sure i've felt sad but never so empty.
I worked tonight and all i could think about was this. And it just made me want to cry the entire time. my work friends are great to talk to for that. They listened and told me they understand. It's kinda cool to have more than the usual people to tlak to ( not that there's anything wrong with the usuals... it's just sometimes it's good to have that extra opinion, you know) they sympathized... and now i still just want to be happy and figure that stuff out,i just guess i can't expect for it to be fixed in one weekend, or maybe i shouldn't expect it to be worked out at all, i just have to try and see what happens. oh well i'm really just kinda blabbering now. I'm out

that bit the big one

so this weekend was the retreat. and guess what no help what so ever. We drove to brandon which took about 3 or so hours and got there and realized that our bus's clutch was broken, so we waited there for 4 hours and waited for it to get a new one. the girls went tothe mall. we didn't get to echo lake until like 11. so we pretty much drove a whole day.I did power point again this weekend. once again fastest and most accurate powerpoint EVER. thats right i rule. so anyways saturday night they had this big night andyou could pray with someone if you wanted. So i desperately wanted to but i didn't so nnothing really got fixed. The next day we got back on the bus and drove home. so in other words we pretty much drove 2 full days for 1 full day of retreat... remind me again why i went..... anyways i wanted that rereat to fix something, instead it fixed nothing.Although in the car from the church to home i was reminded why i'm not going to friday night youth anymore.. good job.

today

Today was alright, world issues was good, but then the rest of the day was completely boring. yeesh. I tried to get up for a shower before school, but it was pretty much impossible for my mom to wake me up that early in the morning, i have no idea how i'll do it next semester. then i went to work I was happy to see brady. he cheers me up and helps me not think about stuff. But still i thought about things. It's kinda hard not to when it's everything that you're thinking about and everything is around you. It's pretty much impossible to escape it.I said in two earlier posts that i was thinking about giving him up. Sunday night i talked to him and we decided that it maybe best for me until I sort things out with God. I mean i felt like i was thinking more about him and problems with him rather than stuff with God... although it's not like i've done anything major to fix it yet since then, so maybe it isn't him. Anyways i said atleast until this weekend. I mean i'm not saying i'll have everything sorted out by then, but i mean it may be a start. I don't know i'm just heavily confused. Right now i feel like i'm never going to find anyone,and that makes me sad. Not that there's anything wrong with it, but i really don't want to be one of those people that doesn't get married because they're "married to jesus" palease.... it's just stupid because i shouldn't be worried about that. but really i guess it's just part of that whole big spiel i said last time. about being happy after high school and all that crap.Andrea sent me an email and i was very profound and mature. It was very much appreciated but i'm really not sure what my mind is thinking. But idid receive it and i do thank you andrea.So now all i'm doing is waiting for the retreat, waiting for something to fix me.I heard a song on the radio. It said " Jesus isn't listening, jesus isn't listening, jesus isn't listening to me".... i kinda feel like that lately. Wow i just sound worse and worse. I'm really not runny away from my faith, i mean i'm not trying to, it just seems like something is pushing me back more and more. It's crazily weird. I dunno i guess i'll just wait and see what happens... or should i step up and take action... i don't know.. i just don't know

feeling kinda lost

Well I feel incredibly lost right now. I have no idea what i'm doing or saying and i hope to God that you didn't read my last blog even though at the same time i do. I really don't know what to do. I'm reading this book right now and it's a really good christian book, although some of the witnessing going on in this book seems a little unrealistic to me... but thats just me. Just the things the girl talks about in the book ( college, boys etc...) it just seems like exactly what i'm feeling right now. About feeling one way one second and then completely different the next based on what one person says. I'm not sure what I want right now and i'm extremely confused about that. Maybe it would help if i knew what someone else wanted... maybe not though. I don't know.
Relient K thinks they're more than useless... i on the other hand am very unsure about where I stand.
I went to work today to find out that danika got fired. lucky for me, even though i booked off the weekend i still got 15 hours this week, that means since she's gone i'll hopefully be getting lots of hours. I work monday, tuesday, thursday. that's right I got the weekend off and I'm going to the retreat. I have a really strange feeling something big is going to happen there. I mean I need something to happen there. maybe this retreat will change everything and i figure out everything by next monday. I girl can dream can't she? ha. This is so freaking retarded. I don't know what I'm doing or why I'm doing what I'm doing. I need help. Again I ask: can anyone hear me at all.
Anyways about my faith. Is it completely disturbing that i'm jealous of someone elses faith? Yes i said it. I am completely jealous of one of my best friends faith. Maybe it's because I had a faith somewhat like it but i seemed to have lost it. we were driving on saturday night and she talked about how she had to get home to doher devotions... and all I could do is sit there and think "since when do you do devotions?" and What the hell? why do i think that? I should be congratulating her on how much she's grown in Christ in like the last 4 months or whatever. I distrub myself I really do.
But as I said I really need something to happen on this retreat. It'd be great if i got the chance to talk to Josh about so much stuff right now, i'd like to have some large conversation about everything to him, other than in an office setting. I mean not that his office at the church creeps me out or anything....oh wait it does. But as much as I'd like to talk to him, i doubt i would. I feel completely unable to talk to him, and just the fact that i'm unable to confortably talk to him, highly makes me not even want to try. To bad it'd be good to talk to someone. I don't know if i'd be able to talk to any of them from church though. Now that i've given up fridays to work, purposely, i think they'll all pobably think i'm some big fornicator or sinner or something, purhaps perform an excorsim on me or something.... although right about now i wouldn't mind being prayed over. Not that's there's some demon in me, but there is something deffinetly making me sad.
Maybe old habits don't die at all

and they say waking up is hard to do...

Well Last night I decided something that is totally going to be hard to do. I have to let him go. Atleast for awhile. I have a lot on my plate. I've told him how i feel so many times and it seems like it just means nothing, and i just don't know what to do anymore. So after looking at his friends on myspace, and actually finding his girlfriend and seeing a picture in which them two look incredibly happy together, i just can't be the person that may be the one to break that appart. He'd hate me for it eventually.Not only that but i need to get so many things sorted out, if you read my last blog entry you'd know what i'm talking about. So i think i need to sort that out, find out who i am in God again because i'm pretty sure i've lost that person, and until that time, unless i can be convinced otherwise by him actually saying something that helps me out, i have to let him go. I mean it'll seem strange to come on one day and just be like " hey i worked these things out" but i'm using the good old " if you want something let it go and if it comes back it's yours.." saying at heart here. but then again i did let him go... all summer, and in a way him came back. AH I'm confused. God give me something, Someone, give me anything!!!

can anyone hear me?

This year I think is probably going to the longest year of my entire existance. I think it may be the death of me just with how I'm feeling right now. How am i feeling right now? lost, alone, abandoned, useless, like i ruin things. I feel better sometimes thanks to a friend who got me to listen to a song, and it makes me feel better.
I made a really big decision this year and i'm really wondering how it's going to turn out for me. I decided that I'd go on the retreat this weekend but after that I'm not going to be going to friday night youth group anymore.. well i might, it really depends. I told work that i could start working it. SO i might be working fridays from now on. I don't know why I decided to do that. Maybe I'm going to have this big change at the retreat or something but right now I feel completely... well terrible and like I'm permenantly sad. I really don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe I'm just doomed to repeat different things that aren't fun. Maybe it's my own fault too. I mean I'm pretty sure it is. I allow myself to fall into it. At the same time sometimes i think there's something wrong with me... then i think about all the horrible things going on in the world and i think about how selfish i'm being and I just end up feeling more horrible about myself.
On wednesday when i went to the backstreet boys, it reminded me of when things were so much more simple. I liked those times. It's just so strange to think of how things are so complicated are now. Don't get me wrong I know exactly what I'm doing after high school and everything. But in the grand scheme of things I have no idea whats going to happen to me or where I'm going to be. Sure i plan on being a nurse... but where? In winnipeg? In the states? Will I be happy? will i get married and have children? will I be happy? yeah i asked that question twice, but i want to be happy, and i hope I'm happy in the future, and I want to believe that I will be but I'm terrified that I won't be.
Yay another mental breakdown, sound fimilar anyone... don't answer, you! This is a big year, and sure I kinda didn't understand andrea when she went through this big fearful thing, but now my mind is rushing a million miles an hour wondering how much things will change between now and 5 years from now... or maybe 5 days from now.
Where are you God? I can't seem to find you.... I know it's me that has turned away, but I can't seem to find the way back. I hear knocking at the door, but the door is no where to be seen. Help me.

so i quit, simple easy quitting...

i'm gonna be a travelling

So i figured out exactly how much i need to save up for my trip next summer. I was originally planned to book it through expedia. But since expedia is based in ontario, the legal age of being an adult is 19, not like it is here, wher it is 18. So i wouldn't be able to book a flight by myself anyways.. pft whats the point of having my very own visa if i can't even use it. double pft.

So i told Robbie the orignal amount if i stayed at the mariott hotel and booked throough expedia. It would have been 1700. But then he told me to check out the hampton. They didn't list them on expedia. So instead I looked up the hampton and instead looked at the air canada website, where you onlyhave to be 18 to book a flight, and they allow 12 and over to travel themselves.For a round trip ticket to indianapolis it is 688.08... by then i expect the prices to change a bit, whether it goes up or down, i do not know. So i plan on saving a little bit more than that for the plane ticket..Then for a hotel for 6 nights, it costs 545 american. Which is currently 643.53... the rate may change a bit by then, SO it's going to be approximately 1331.61 which is almost 400 bucks less than expected. So i plan on saving 2300 for spending money and taxis and such. I believe i can save up no problem and infact i'm really looking forward to it. I'm gonna save up, but like my mom says, alot of things may change by then... we'll just see.

cam whore

so i decided to be a camera whore today and yesturday and i took some pictures, i had more up originally but some guy that i don't even know commented so it creeped me out. Unless it was drew from the missions trip, if it was you tell me on aim that it was you, otherwise it compeltely creeped me out and i deleted the pictures...

these are from today:




aren't i adorable... HA not
anyways, I'm really bored, and it's really not very nice outside. It's starting to get cold already, but luckily they say it should be nice one last time on sunday. just in time for the drive in movies.

i realized no one comments on my journal at all.. you all suck! someone comment!!