today

Today was alright, world issues was good, but then the rest of the day was completely boring. yeesh. I tried to get up for a shower before school, but it was pretty much impossible for my mom to wake me up that early in the morning, i have no idea how i'll do it next semester. then i went to work I was happy to see brady. he cheers me up and helps me not think about stuff. But still i thought about things. It's kinda hard not to when it's everything that you're thinking about and everything is around you. It's pretty much impossible to escape it.I said in two earlier posts that i was thinking about giving him up. Sunday night i talked to him and we decided that it maybe best for me until I sort things out with God. I mean i felt like i was thinking more about him and problems with him rather than stuff with God... although it's not like i've done anything major to fix it yet since then, so maybe it isn't him. Anyways i said atleast until this weekend. I mean i'm not saying i'll have everything sorted out by then, but i mean it may be a start. I don't know i'm just heavily confused. Right now i feel like i'm never going to find anyone,and that makes me sad. Not that there's anything wrong with it, but i really don't want to be one of those people that doesn't get married because they're "married to jesus" palease.... it's just stupid because i shouldn't be worried about that. but really i guess it's just part of that whole big spiel i said last time. about being happy after high school and all that crap.Andrea sent me an email and i was very profound and mature. It was very much appreciated but i'm really not sure what my mind is thinking. But idid receive it and i do thank you andrea.So now all i'm doing is waiting for the retreat, waiting for something to fix me.I heard a song on the radio. It said " Jesus isn't listening, jesus isn't listening, jesus isn't listening to me".... i kinda feel like that lately. Wow i just sound worse and worse. I'm really not runny away from my faith, i mean i'm not trying to, it just seems like something is pushing me back more and more. It's crazily weird. I dunno i guess i'll just wait and see what happens... or should i step up and take action... i don't know.. i just don't know