Well I feel incredibly lost right now. I have no idea what i'm doing or saying and i hope to God that you didn't read my last blog even though at the same time i do. I really don't know what to do. I'm reading this book right now and it's a really good christian book, although some of the witnessing going on in this book seems a little unrealistic to me... but thats just me. Just the things the girl talks about in the book ( college, boys etc...) it just seems like exactly what i'm feeling right now. About feeling one way one second and then completely different the next based on what one person says. I'm not sure what I want right now and i'm extremely confused about that. Maybe it would help if i knew what someone else wanted... maybe not though. I don't know.
Relient K thinks they're more than useless... i on the other hand am very unsure about where I stand.
I went to work today to find out that danika got fired. lucky for me, even though i booked off the weekend i still got 15 hours this week, that means since she's gone i'll hopefully be getting lots of hours. I work monday, tuesday, thursday. that's right I got the weekend off and I'm going to the retreat. I have a really strange feeling something big is going to happen there. I mean I need something to happen there. maybe this retreat will change everything and i figure out everything by next monday. I girl can dream can't she? ha. This is so freaking retarded. I don't know what I'm doing or why I'm doing what I'm doing. I need help. Again I ask: can anyone hear me at all.
Anyways about my faith. Is it completely disturbing that i'm jealous of someone elses faith? Yes i said it. I am completely jealous of one of my best friends faith. Maybe it's because I had a faith somewhat like it but i seemed to have lost it. we were driving on saturday night and she talked about how she had to get home to doher devotions... and all I could do is sit there and think "since when do you do devotions?" and What the hell? why do i think that? I should be congratulating her on how much she's grown in Christ in like the last 4 months or whatever. I distrub myself I really do.
But as I said I really need something to happen on this retreat. It'd be great if i got the chance to talk to Josh about so much stuff right now, i'd like to have some large conversation about everything to him, other than in an office setting. I mean not that his office at the church creeps me out or anything....oh wait it does. But as much as I'd like to talk to him, i doubt i would. I feel completely unable to talk to him, and just the fact that i'm unable to confortably talk to him, highly makes me not even want to try. To bad it'd be good to talk to someone. I don't know if i'd be able to talk to any of them from church though. Now that i've given up fridays to work, purposely, i think they'll all pobably think i'm some big fornicator or sinner or something, purhaps perform an excorsim on me or something.... although right about now i wouldn't mind being prayed over. Not that's there's some demon in me, but there is something deffinetly making me sad.
Maybe old habits don't die at all
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