can anyone hear me?

This year I think is probably going to the longest year of my entire existance. I think it may be the death of me just with how I'm feeling right now. How am i feeling right now? lost, alone, abandoned, useless, like i ruin things. I feel better sometimes thanks to a friend who got me to listen to a song, and it makes me feel better.
I made a really big decision this year and i'm really wondering how it's going to turn out for me. I decided that I'd go on the retreat this weekend but after that I'm not going to be going to friday night youth group anymore.. well i might, it really depends. I told work that i could start working it. SO i might be working fridays from now on. I don't know why I decided to do that. Maybe I'm going to have this big change at the retreat or something but right now I feel completely... well terrible and like I'm permenantly sad. I really don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe I'm just doomed to repeat different things that aren't fun. Maybe it's my own fault too. I mean I'm pretty sure it is. I allow myself to fall into it. At the same time sometimes i think there's something wrong with me... then i think about all the horrible things going on in the world and i think about how selfish i'm being and I just end up feeling more horrible about myself.
On wednesday when i went to the backstreet boys, it reminded me of when things were so much more simple. I liked those times. It's just so strange to think of how things are so complicated are now. Don't get me wrong I know exactly what I'm doing after high school and everything. But in the grand scheme of things I have no idea whats going to happen to me or where I'm going to be. Sure i plan on being a nurse... but where? In winnipeg? In the states? Will I be happy? will i get married and have children? will I be happy? yeah i asked that question twice, but i want to be happy, and i hope I'm happy in the future, and I want to believe that I will be but I'm terrified that I won't be.
Yay another mental breakdown, sound fimilar anyone... don't answer, you! This is a big year, and sure I kinda didn't understand andrea when she went through this big fearful thing, but now my mind is rushing a million miles an hour wondering how much things will change between now and 5 years from now... or maybe 5 days from now.
Where are you God? I can't seem to find you.... I know it's me that has turned away, but I can't seem to find the way back. I hear knocking at the door, but the door is no where to be seen. Help me.