christmas

Well christmas this year did not feel like christmas at all. I was don't know, it's just not the same aswhen i was younger ya know, but i guess thats to be expected. on christmas eve, i pretty much just sat around. that was fun.Then i woke up at 9 and went to work and fed all the puppies and small tiny creatures. It was fun. I then locked up and went home.
The family came over between 3 and 4. My god they can be annoying. my uncle makes very stupid stupid comments. then my cousins are just weird, i'm very interested to see how they turn out. Luckily robbie saved me with a phone call, thank you robbie, I very much appreciate it and it made me happy to talk to you.
Today i opened. the store was in one piece, so that was good. I felt i got a lot accomplished. I hope all of us do good while mike is gone, show him that we can do our job even though he's not there. Now tomorrow I close again, should be fun.
Can't really think of anything other than that... oh yeah...
Get medicine that works....lakota!

All people do is let you down

haahha

Me and Allison finally went shopping. Got some pretty sweet pyjamma type pants. They're super cute. Also got my secret santa present, hopefully they don't already got what I bought them.
After that we went to pick up her sister from her basketball and went tothe forks. We then drove around downtown wherewe almost hit a bus as well as a jeep because of a certain cell phone. Sooooooooo funny though. we almost died laughing. Tomorrow is selah, got caitlin to sing for me, I don't want to. So that'll be good. Thursday work, friday nothing, saturday work and then possibly scattagories at mike's place. we'll see.
It's beeen good times, things are still weird though they will be for awhile. I'm starting to despise certain people from different places for certain reasons. I don't care. One step closer to the wrong side of the tracks I guess. weeeeee.
Someone called me on sunday night, no clue who it was, all i got out of my brother was " it was a girl".... i asked people, no one says it was them. oh well... someone weird called is the conclusion i've come to.
I'm out

weee

I'm incredibly tired. yesturday I worked, opened to be exact. I opened i was sooo on top of things, but then I had to take a dog to the air port then pick up some dogs from polo. This took quite awhile and then i became behind, but we worked our bumbs off and caught up. I then went home, napped and watched the degrassi documentary.
I then went back to petland to meet up with mike and christine and we went to play monopoly at christine's house. It was grand. Myself and mike were quite hyper..fun times. I were out late and i didn't get home til like 2.
Then i got to wake up at 7 to go to work and open and work the day behind myself. fun times. now i'm massively tired and i believe i'm going to bed now..which is now about 8:00 oy.

yay

so i went into work to get my hours. So many, it's great. i work tuesday, thursday, saturday and sunday. that's only one extra day but still it seems like quite a bit.
we're going to sponser a christmas cheer board family as a store.e which is really awesome in my mind. we're doing somethingreally good, we wanna get a family with lots of little kids, alteast a few that is. we're going to do the shopping our selves and everything. I'm really excited. It costs each person 20$. I'm going to go drop the money off tomorrow i think. i'm not gonna stick around long, just gonna drop it off.
I watched desperate housewives tonight and it brought up a very interesting point.... why do we choose to classify someone as just truely evil and truly good? is it because we can't accept that evil and good can live in the same heart. I think it's kinda an interesting point. i don't really know what to say about it though... so i'm just going to leave it at that.

allo?hallo?

testing, can anyone hear me? no alright, i dunno sometimesi feel like i'm in a room full of people, and i'm not noticed. Likeif i were in the mall hunt as a sponser, no one would take the time to try and find me. or maybe i am noticed but not for the good things...
my letter to my friend about stuff obviously did nothing. should I really be surprised...nah?
anyways, today i worked at 6:30 i was there by 5:45 though, I wanted a head start.boy gosh i did need it, I got really behind, so many things at once kept going so it made me fall behind. When i got home at 3 i slept until like almost 8. It was wonderful.
tomorrow i have the day off. wooooot. i'm going in though to get my hours and shiet. good times,i gotta find me some bubble wrap... anyone know where i can find me some? i must get some, not for the pleasure of popping the bubbles but for other, i have so much to do with such little time. wow

driving

So i got home from school last night and I felt really bad cus mike asked me to switch shifts, his tomorrow opening for my sunday opening. I said no but ifelt bad because he really wanted to go out tonight, so I called him when i got home and we switched. He'd do that for me.
So then i went and picked up the key and then back home for half an hour until I drove myself to polopark. I felt like i could not go on the bus, not today, maybe not ever again. Horrid horrid bus...so i had fun doing u-turns due to missing st james street, swearing at yelling at people that don't know how to work a 4 way stop and listening to the backstreet boys.
I shopped for almost half an hour before everyone else got there. I got robbie his sweet christmas present, I won't dare way what it is one here, but I will say that I think he'll like it... i hope he does. I also bought Dallas Green's (city and colour) sometimes cd, tegan and sarah and my chemical romance. I also got an awesome shirt from american eagle that says "kindness can change the world" it's nice.
I then went back to the church, and continued to listen to the backstreet boys. When i got back to the church i hung out with alana and michelle, I miss my little gurlies, i haven't seen them in what seems like such a long time. It made me happy.
That's pretty much all for now. It's 11:00, i get up in 6 hours.. weeeee fun

roll eyes

yes tonight was selah. I did powerpoint, i don't even know why i'm still doing it but i am. Once again erin came and talked to my in a giant awkward conversation. that was fun. who knows what's going on there, whatever. either one 1) she thinks I'm depressed or 2) becky seems to think that erin thinks I'm mad at her? It's not like It alked to her i nthe first place? why make things awkward now?
Josh gave this big speil about serving and all i could do was try to tune him out. Talking about not just erving people financially and all that jazz but by talking to people and helping them through stuff, but where was his reply when i emailed him? hmm wasn't " i've given up on God" one last try at getting help for my relationship with God? how much clearer can I get, and yet no reply. "The person I baptised don't have a relationship with God anymore eeeyuck I'm not gonna do anything about it or talk to her, or even respond." YAY!!!!!
as for my church friends I really don't understand it. I'm getting really frustrated. Caitlin said she wished I was around more that night when I called her at the wachals like I am the reason our friendship isn't the way it was, like her coming to eat lunch with me once every 2 weeks is going to make it better Bullshit. and talking to other people is just non existant. Is it me? I don't know. I don't feel the same around them anymore? Is it because they're all gung hoe, keener Christians? Who knows. I don't know what to think anymore

booooo!

Today at work was fun. I worked my ass off. Then came home to watch my least favorite episode of degrassi next generation EVER!! erg it made me mad "we'll find jesus together" way to go degrassi. WAY TO GO!
Okay I'm sorry but when my favorite show ever is over turned with Jesus and all that It makes me angry. I'm sorry but I don't need to be surrounded with all this christian... agh!... i can't escape it! I'm sorry DEGRASSI IS NOT CHRISTIAN NOR SHOULD IT BE! I don't like it. The worst part about it is that it's SOOOOO corny. I mean oh my gosh.. " all you need is to believe"...." i think you're worth it...jesus thinks you're worth it" oh my gosh it made me soo annoyed.
My personal favorite part was when spinner's friend told spinner's girlfriend that spinner was gonna leave her if she didn't do it with him... so she took her shirt off to expose her bathing suit... at which point he started kissing her shoulders....and she started to cry!!! I just can't even put my annoyance into words.. SHAME DEGRASSI SHAME!!!

"now everyone shake their fist"

monday night was this INCREDIBLE snow storm that gave us a whole lot of snow. like to our knees worth. It's crazy. So tuesday most people were snowed in and it was an non official yet official, cus no one went to school, snow day. I spent my day watching old school degrassi and then later on when my father returned home our family was outside mmoving cars and digging snow away. It was crazy times.

Today seemed like a pointless day of school, busses still weren't running so no kids from east st paul were really there. Oh poop on them. Ididn't wanna be there either. Then when school ended I went searching for my mother and ended up going on an adventure.... now my lungs hurt from breathing in the cold air.
Tonight allison got called into work so our shopping fun is postponed. Dang you petland!!!*shakes fist* so i'm forced to go to youth, which i really don't wanna do but it'll seem weird to my parents and i don't feel like explaining everythng to them about how i feel about God and stuff. Waste of time... so allas i am going and our shopping trip is postponed until i believe friday night.
Then saturday morning I open and hurrah for crazy early mornings is all i have to say. Then once again i open sunday, but this time with mike. That'll be crazy good times. me and him had fun on monday when i got to work with him.
And agian i say I can't wait until sunday. Christmas party is going to be mega fun! I can't wait!!!!

Pain!!!

Well today was another day of work and i am so completely tired, normally i'm not this tired at all. But saturday night lori came in and told me that since we open later on sundays someone has to take the little brown puppy home, soi was the one to do so, completely missing becky's birthday party which i really wanted to go to. I got very little sleep because of the horrid matress that i'm forced to sleep on downstairs. Bwah to that. It severally is uncormfortable and i think it's giving me back problems.
But oh wait maybe i'm wrong
Today i open, and since we must squeegee the water from outta the kennels some where, we must put it on the ground making it INCREDIBLY slippery. So i refrained from falling for most of my shift, but then right when the store was about to open bam i slip and fall. causing me great amounts of back pain and pain in general.i laid htere for 5 minutes almost in tears. it really hurt. my back is still in pain.
Once again i have the puppy since no one is at the store for 12 hrs. it's currently sleeping while i'm typing. I'll take her back at 1 when i work once again.
I CAN'T wait til wednesday petland girls are going shopping
I also can't wait for the christmas party which is now in 6 days. it shall be fun oh yes it shall be fun.

On a side note: I'm sick of people saying they're available to me, if i wanted to talk to you about something i would. I emailed someone but nothing came of it, no talking to that person, no that person even acknowledging that i emailed them, so i'm sick of caring and trying.

That was fun

Tonight was interesting, I was feeling rather bitchy not in the grumpy agree way in the way of i'm feeling really emotional and like i could cry. I really didn't like the idea of singing some mighty praise to God when I don't even really feel like he's here. So then after practicing for five minutes erin stops everyone and tells me i shouldn't sing that certain part because I sound off.

Okay wrong timing... so we continued to sing and I just couldn't do it. I just put the microphone down and walked out.went to the washroom and stayed there for awhle. Then when i came back erin demanded i talk to her.. i just kept up my " it's nothing" attitude and told her thats what it was, cus really thats what it was.. nothing to do with her. I just figured that if i'm not exactly right with God I probably shouldn't be helping lead people in worshipping him. so needless to say.. i didn't sing ...that's all.
So anyways I really don't know. I'm sick of people and if she thinks i'm pissed I really don'tcare to fix it. I'm really sick of people thinking that things center around them. I already didn't want to sing, and yes that did push me over. But i didn't want to anyways you know.
I don't know I guess I really just don't know anymore. And i care but i don't.erg this whole situation is really stupid. weeeee

Not much new

Today is tuesday, yesturday was halloween and today was so borring. I rented star wars and then went to work to visit good old mike.

Now I'm typing in my blog.

Last year I was in a bubble. I really just realized it. I didn't allow myself to meet new friends and I kept myself talking to the same old people. I'm really happy this year. Things have changed and in a way it's strange but it's making me talk to different people... well i mean not MAKING me, but more allowing me to talk to other people. I'm not saying anyone stopped me, but the way things are right now is making me reach out.

I used to think of drinking bad, GRRRRRRR... but i don't mind drunk people. they're actually really funny and I enjoy hanging out with them. I also really like the people i work with. They're amazing. I don't know things are just really different and They're making me feel like i don't need the things i was involved in last year. I mean i love my friends and I always will. And i'm not saying i don't want to hang out with them, my God please dont think thats what I'm saying. I'm just saying, well i don't really know what I'm saying. well i guess, you know how i typed before that I had given up on certain things? yes? no? well i don't really feel like I need those " things" I don't know maybe ive been extremely warped I don't know. weee this is fun! I don't know what to think!

i enjoy fire

Lesson learned, don't have a fire near lots of drunks.. haha no, no one fell in but the whole night i was constantly making sure that he wobbly drunks weren't going to fall into the fire.Friday night I worked. It wasn't too bad. I finished everything ontime, as always. Then i went to get some food at mdicks on henderson, and then home to sleep.

Saturday morning I slept in and then went to work at three. It was a really slow night because me and allison were just waiting to get the heck out of there so we could go party it up at mikes house. So Brady showed up at the store and we made plans to get to the party. So he went home, and at 930 me and allison went to her place so she could change, then to pick up brady, to the LC and then finally to mikes house where a bunch of petlanders were. Most people were drinking or massively drunk. I was constantly watching everyone to make sure no one fell in the fire or anything, their wobblyness was amusing. Then since the clocks turned back we got an extra hour of Partying. WOOT i was technically home at like 2, but since the clocks turned back it was only 1. haha i like it.I drove allison home then brady home. oh wow. Good night.

This morning i opened at work, holy crap was i tired. So it was a good weekend. Now i'm pretty much brain dead and tired.Tomrorow I work again. It shall be good. We'll see what this weekend has ensue.

how can this be?

Yeha I've think I've completely given up. Tonight ahs just been a rollercoast and i don't care about it anymore. I don't think I trust a single person on this earth, and why should I with all the crap people feed you why should you trust anyone... we talked about it in world issues and really... even though we didn't really discuss it.... violence and evil is a part of us, no matter how hard anyone ever tries it's always going to be there. thats' hy the world won't get better until the end of it. at least in my opinion. People's nastyness is part ofwhat i think made me give up on God.. not the whole part, its not fair to blame my crappy relationship or lack there of, with God, on someone else.. it's really been a long time coming. i mean i don't know how to explain where i stand. i mean there's no way i could not believe in something, i just don't have a relationship with that something and ihave lost the fire to gain it back. So i don't know maybe i haven't given up on God rather than given up on having a relationship with him.I was expecting to feel more empty than this? maybe i just can't feel it yet. who knows.
If you don't believe in hell do you not go there? That was brought up when someone told a person in my class they were going to hell because theydidn't believe in God.. someone said " how can she go there if she doesn't believe in it"... so my question is if someone murders a person and doens't think it's wrong does that make it not wrong... no...so am i going to hell now? what's going on in my life?whats going to happen to me in the future? in eternity? these questions and more will be answered depending on some things.. i sent josh an email saying what was going on... well not really.. i don't expect him to email me back i even said he didn't have to if he didn't want to.... i don't know what will happen now later

Can't Wait

This week I was originally only schedualed friday, saturday sunday, but alas jamie gave me his monday shift and tuesday rita can't work so mike is taking her morning and i'm taking the night. So i'm getting the hours that i really need. WHOOT. I can't wait until saturday night. it's going to be SO much fun. Since mike got promoted he's having all of us petlanders over for a super fun bon fire.. yeah it sounds really stupid but everyone's probably going to be mega drunk again which will be mega funny. I don't even mind that i work sasturday night, it'll be worth the fun, it just sucks i gotta open on the sunday.
Yesturday (sunday) was really fun. After work we had a seminar and then bowling. But inbetween the seminar and bowling part we got to playt hide and go seek. It sounds really lame but playing in petland is REALLY fun.So we were all hiding and me and rita had the genious idea to go hide in the shelter cats kennels. So we turned on the light to make sure that there was no crap or pee anywhere, then got into the kennels with the cats. I with kita, rita with tammy. so we got in shut the doors when i realized "hey there's no latches on the inside.." as in we were stuck in the kennels. It was terrifying, I almost died, I couldn't get be in there that long. So we just started screaming our heads off. So we keep screaming and then finally brady came and let us out... haha we almost died laughing.
speaking of brady, i feel really bad because i was kinda a jerk to him yesturday. I feel i should apologize. I think I will tomorrow, see how that goes... oh well this week will be a good one.I can't wait til saturday!

wow

Well yesturday was an interesting day. I talked it over with Natalie and since i didn't have school i instead started work at 1 and worked until 930.

I then high tailed it to the church to meet up with my pals and hang out by going to the wachals. So i got to the church and caitlin dind't have any room so Becky, me and andrea had to then take my car.So we're driving down henderson, and we see a deer so i start to break, then on the side of the road (passenger side, they were crossing to the other side) i see another one it looks at the car, sees it then decides to cross the street. I slam on the breaks as fast as i can but it bolts right infront of me and BAM i hit it I pretty much it it right dead on with the car,as in right i nthe center of the hood. he then rollsover the hood and away. Becky, andrea and i screaming perfusely.

I then call my father freaking out that i just hit a freaking dear. Andrea and becky then go out of the car and look in the ditch. I then hear them screaming, and all i think is " oh my gosh it got up and is chasing them." it wasn't but thats okay. so my parents then come and my dad takes the car and my mom drives us to the wachals and i little ways up from where I hit my deer, there's a dead one on the road... so either someone else it a deer as well (which owuld make me feel wonderful cus then i wouldn't be the only one) or the one i hit got up, wondered over there and then died from injuries sustained in my collision.

anyways i don't feel muchlike driving for awhile but my dad says i have to "get back on the horse". I also have to make a police report. Bah humbug

You Know...

You Know you've lost almost all your faith when:
you don't sing in worship and your biggest concern at worship is the powerpoint presentation
you don't give a crap about whats being said in small groups or during the sermon for that matter
you write blah blah blah on your hand during prayer

Yeah that was my night,and again, i'm not sure what to think about it, i'm not even really sure if i care so much about it right now. It sounds horrible and Andrea (i love you my dearest mandron) brings upthe point that really it's not much different than Rae anne,and well i don't know what to say about that. Besides we'll see what happens. Maybe i just need God to back me into a corner again. I don't know I really have changed a bit.... scratch that, alot, i don't have sympathy for stupid people, and iconsider alot of people stupid,therefore, i don't have sympathy for many ppeople...aren't I an awesome person. oh well

I'm really not sure what else to right, i really don't have much to say on the stupid as of now.

crazy

Things are weird and changing. I'm not sure what to think about it. I really don't like change and the idea of getting older. It's strange to me. It doesn't feel like 3 years ago we left grade 9, it feels like 1. But at the same time so many things have happened that it feels like AGES ago.
It's really hard to believe that I was baptised two years ago. it's pretty crazy to believe.

On friday I applied to university and It's really crazy to think that next year it's completely independant... even though i'll probably have a year off from school, it's gonna be one step closer to having a career, one step towards being... older. Things are REALLY different from last year. like crazily different and i'm not really sure what i think about that right now.. wowo did i write this in another update....oh well.... i'm around different people.
things at work are weird right now. I don't how to describe it, i'm not happy with it. I feel kinda depressed about a bunch of stuff going on there. Hopefully we'll have fun on sunday and things will be back to normal.
On a side note, pee and poop, fart, and burping humor doesn't get old no matter how you are.
Another thing i notice is how much people put other people down on purpose either to make themselves feel better OR just for the hell of it... it's really weird well actually it's kinda just pathetic

anyways i don't know what else to write

have a good night

Pictures

Here's some pictures from the social
Hahah that's everyone before the drunkess. Mike, me, tara,Allison, jess, natasha,tyler,Caitlin and laura

That's us dancing. haha fun

this is us after the whole thing chilling on the couch

mike re-doing up his belt.. haha don't ask
yeahit was a good night I don't have an update. keep it real

Maybe I'm amazed

Maybe I'm Amazed at the way You love me all the time, Maybe I'm afraid of the way I love you.

Maybe I'm amazed at the way You pull me out of time, You hung me on the line. Maybe i'm amazed at the way I really need you

Maybe I'm a girl, Maybe I'm a lonely girl, Who's in the middle of something That she doesn't really understand

Maybe I'm a girl And maybe you're the only man Who could ever help me Baby won't you help me to understand?

Maybe I'm a girl, Maybe I'm a lonely girl, Who's in the middle of something That she doesn't really understand

Maybe I'm a girl And maybe you're the only man Who could ever help me Baby won't you help me to understand?

Maybe I'm amazed at the way You're with me all the time, Maybe I'm afraid of the way i need you

Maybe i'm amazed at the way You help me sing this song, Right me when I'm wrong. Maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you

california here we come

Well tonight was work. I wore my new scrubs which are mighty kool. At like 430 mikecalled and told me that He's now the head tech! I'm SO happy for him. He deserves it and he has good plans for the kennel. He came in later on in the night and hung out. He's a work aholic but a good guy.

He stuck around long enough for me to take my break at 7 and me and hi and brady went to subway to get me and caitlin some subs. It was delicious and just what I needed. I got every thing done quite early and mananged to make the kennel room look beautiful. Well hopefully mike notices, I even took down the shavings for him.

So i left and on my way out i gave him... not mike.. a different him my phone number.. I could hardly believe it myself. I told him that if he actually wansts to do something ( we made kinda plans since everyone else from work was going to the bar) he could call me friday before 6. I wonder if he actually will... i doubt it Nicole told me he made some comment " this number has got to be for someone else" I have no idea what that means... i'm kinda worried. oh well atleast i took a step which is more than i usually do.

Tonight is Selah

I'm tired

Goodnight

more fun

Today I woke up at noon and decided I'd go over to good old work a visit some of the people there, you know, natasha, Brady, the people I talk to most. Soyeah I went in. And of course she was in a bad mood. And just in time Mike came in. wowo i wish i had a magical jet pack to get out of that awkward conversation. Then me and mike decided to head over to the fish department and hang out with brady. That didn't go far cus he went on his break.
Then mike asked me if i wanted to go to walmart where we bought some birthday cards and new scrubs. It was a good day. Mikes a cool guy.

Tomorrow night I work again. Maybe I'll slip him... not mike.. a different him my phone number and ask if he wants to do something on friday. I'll just kinda say here's my number if you wanna do something call kinda thing. We'll see what goes down.
Anyways that was my day. i updated 2 times in one day. I'm kool i know

P-unit Party

Well saturday night was a whole lot of fun. We got to the social and we thought it was going to be a complete bore because we were almost the only ones our age there. So we kinda sat at the table and thought "wow what a waseof a night" but then tyler got off duty at the table and he was drinking two drinks at a time at first. Mike also drank a bunch, and caitlin, and tara drank a bit..... well everyone drank but me. so it was really funny to watch all of them in their drunkeness.
So the night kept on going with us dancing and just keeping the party going. we literally stayed until the end even though everyone else had cleared out. Last song was slow. we still danced. Then we went in the lounge and hung out for a few minutes until we decided it was time to leave.
I then drove Natasha, Jess, and Tyler and allison home. It was quite fun singing since you've been gone at the top of our lungs while driving down springfield. Then attempting to sing bohemian raphsody with no help from radio... it went no where.
I then dropped them all off and was home by 230
I woke up the next morning to open at work at 8
Tyler was closing and he looked completely hung over.
All and All it was a halerious night

good conversation

Last night was good. I managed to have a really good conversation with andrea about stuff and my problems and youth and stuff. It made me feel a little better because she understood what i meant. Yay Andrea I love you! After I talked to her I went into work and found that Rita had written me a note back apologizing for tlaking about me. BUT it did in away still say i was wrong about the bird unit... hmm interesting.
ONLY a few days til the social. I tried on my outfit yesturday and i'm not sur ehat im gonna wear, the skirt and shit i chose seem to fancy, we'll see what happens.
I love jack johnson, coldplay and dashboard. wow
tonight is synrgy. I'm singing, this year i'm actually going to sing.woot.

The joy of hipocracy

I suddenly feel incredibly pissed, not really so much and anyone, well actually I am quite sure that I'm pissed off at Rita from work. Wow she's a douche. I got to work last night and there's mail boxes on the door in the kennel, each kennel tech had one with their name on it, mine was oon the bottom, and mike tells me that Rita made them so we could communicate better and not get people involved that don't need to be , creating some huge problem. So she makes them, whatever, but then she starts complaining about some of my work in the kennel. Anyone else seeing something incredibly stupid about that? Anyone at all? So i wrote her a little note, politely (despite my rage) saying that if she dissagrees with how i do certain things, to just tell me, Crap all night i went on giant rants. For this part of the story you'll need a little background.


A man in our city made a giant 40 foot cross in his backyard and then he wrote letters to all his neighbors telling them that they should come pray at his cross or they'd all go to hell or something like that. That is what you call an overly religious person. And natasha from work stated how she hates overly religious people. So Jessica Jokingly wrote on the whoteboard "Natasha-' I hate religious people and snowboots.'" Well Rita took an ape and completely freaked out and said she's offended because she's "religious."Well I thought about that and her claim to be "religious", which bythe way i have never heard her talk about anything to do with God, and i thought about the fact that she ws talking behind me behind my back. Again I ask, does anyone else see something wrong in that? Oh the joys of hipocracy! I'm not saying I'm not one, but i don't claim to be perfect either. It just bothers me sometime you know. I'm just annoyed that's all. Tonight I'm going in to see if she had anything else to say about anything. That is all.G'night

corn maze of fun!

Well Last night was SOOO mega fun.First I qorked all day which wasn't bad. I got my hours. I'm working monday, thursday, friday, saturday, sunday. Woot for crying tothe manager. Haha. yay money. Anyways yeah so i have lots of hours, if it keeps up there'll be no reason for me to leave my lovely petland.
So anyways after work we all headed on out to the corn maze. First we went t the petting zoo, haha yeah us petlanders sure to love animals. And then raced tothe giant hay bails. it was then that i realized that i am extremely out of shape. We got a nice picture of all of us up there and we had fun. Next we played the scavenger hunt and just ran around in the corn maze. my team consisting of christine, her baby, her husband, brent, jamie, tyler (the new guy) me and caitlin won by finding all the fish and being the first ones out. boy how we rule.We also ran into mike's team where we knocked me intothe corn then fell over as well. it was great fun
Then the wholelot of us sat around the camp fire talking and roasting marshmallows. Oh deliciousness.Then we went home. Me, mike and natasha, brady and allison all stuck arnd i nthe parking lot and talked for like another hour ( we're always doing that it seems) It was jsut allarond a great night.Now i'm really looking forward to next saturday night for the social, we're going to have so much fun.

Don't you miss the way we were?

We’ve fallen out of grace again
Could be the beginning of the end
We stood by and watched the other walk away
Could not stay
I can’t believe we give up so easy

Don’t you miss the way we were?
Don’t wish we made that turn?

What we said was sometimes meant
Wasn’t worth the path that we spent
Even though I don’t know how much we tried
Or why
For all it’s worth
It’s not what we deserve

Don’t you miss the way we were?
Don’t wish we made that turn?

The best times are far-gone
All that’s left is to forget
Still I seem to hang on


Don’t you miss the way we were?
Don’t you wish we made that turn?
Don’t you miss the way we were?Don’t you miss the way we were?

Good song by default

who am i?

Well i'm not sure who i am, but this is what i do know.
-my name is lauren
- i'm 17
-I'm in grade 12
- I became a christian at camp assinaboia
-i was baptised october 5th, 2003 by pastor joshua smith
- i work at petland in the kennels
- somehow i lost myself
- i don't know where or how
-tonight i saw something written on the prayer wall, it interested me
- i got angry at it
- i'm weird like that
- i want help find God again but i hate when people ask me if i'm doing well spiritual, yet i yearn for someone to show me they care about it
-i feel discouraged
-I have a puppy named kirby, i got him christmas of grade 9
- i'm at student council at school
- i dyed my hair darker
yeah i'm lost right now. who am i? well the truth is i don't know cus i think it constantly changes. But i guess who's i am doesn't.... if you read diary of a teenage girl you'd get it..

it has begun!!!!

ah mortal combatt aha

anyways yeah it has started.my mental break down that is.... speaking of which i ought to inform you that it's no longer called a mental break down, now it's a depressive episode....in here it is.. a depressive episode... i welcome it with open arms. please be aware tat this is going to be a giant rant... you don't want to read one.... leave now.Anyways so sunday at work many things happened. I discovered that i had a whopping 2 shifts. saturday and sunday. Does anyone else recall me asking lori for more than that about a million times? I sure as hell do.

Anyways...So then we also wrote a note ( because of advice for our assisant manager to lori stating how we think we need 1 head kennel tech) turns out it's none of our buisness. then she went off about how we were too concerened about that because the schematics weren't done.. luckily natalie said it was based on her advice and how we did it on our own time.. according to natalie i'm not going to be bitched at.

Anyways back to the shifts... very fed up. I was so upset that i actually cried at work, which i have NEVER done. EVER before. So, that was different natalie told me she'd talk to lori. She did last night i went back in. according to lori there's nothing that can be done about it unless i want to take cash shifts. The reason i'm in the back is because I HATE cash shifts. Meanwhile jamie who is on the floor has equal kennel shifts to me... i'm sure there's a certain way for the shifts to be arranged that can land me more shifts plus give people equal shifts. Fucking hell i'm pissed off right now about that. Its just one more thing on the listof stuff. So of course when she told me all that stuff about nothing can be done. i started to cry again.... wow it's only the beginning.. I don't even care anymore. I'm so pissed off and it such a bitchy mood i don't care about jack all at all.

I miss him.. I wish he'd come online....

mental break down in... 3...2...

well i'm pretty much given up, i was going to talk to erin on wednesday, but i didn't get teh chance. So for now i'm quitting. i mean i still believe what i believe but right now i don't seem to have the energy to try. so now i wait for my break down. should be fun. It will happen, it always does. It's like a vicious circle. Not saying i'm doomed to repeat it or anything, but i am, ha. it's my own fault i know,i put myself there.

oh well i got called into work tonight, made a display pretty, well i thought it looked pretty, we'll see if lori agrees tomorrow.. i didn't quite finish, i was pretty much back and forth between cash and making pretty all night. Wow i hate cash. people totally reminded me of why i wanted to switch into the kennel.. ah people, how i hate thee.I work tomorrow night. should be fun. never worked a friday before. it'll probably feel a little weird. I booked off october 7th though seeing as how it's sex ed night at youth.. HAHAHA funniest thing EVER...i can't wait.

October 8th going to tyler's girlfriends, sister's wedding social. a bunch of people are going from work.. i'm gonna be the dd. woot. should be fun. might sleep at jessica's after haven't decided yet, we'll see how the schedual is.WORK IS GOING TO THE CORN MAZE!!! its gonna be freaking fun!!!!!oh well. tomorrow is school i'm out.

let it all out

Let it all out
get it all out
rip it out remove it
don't be alarmed
when the wound begins to bleed
cause we're so scared to find out
what this life's all about
so scared we're going to lose it
not knowing all along
that's exactly what we need
and today I will trust you with confidence
of a man who's never known defeat
but tomorrow, upon hearing what I did
I will stare at you in disbelief
oh, inconsistent me
crying out for consistency

and you said I know that this will hurt
but if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember
the end will justify the pain it took to get us there

and I'll let it be known
at times I have shown
signs of all my weakness
but somewhere in me
there is strength
and you promise me
that you believe
in time I will defeat this
cause somewhere in me
there is strength

and today I will trust you with the confidence
of a man who's never known defeat
and I'll try my best to just forget
that that man isn't me
reach out to me
make my heart brand new
every beat will be for you
for youand I know you know
you touched my life
when you touched my heavy heart and made it light

ilike cried when i listened to that song, it's so sad, oy.
Anyways tonight i worked and all i wanted to do he whole time wascry. All i could like about was how much of a let downthe retreat was and how it didn't fix anything and how i'm still completely far away from God. It makes me feel so horrible. I wish i could have prayed with someone but i didn't, and now i just keep thinking about how like empty i feel. I've never felt like this before... sure i've felt sad but never so empty.
I worked tonight and all i could think about was this. And it just made me want to cry the entire time. my work friends are great to talk to for that. They listened and told me they understand. It's kinda cool to have more than the usual people to tlak to ( not that there's anything wrong with the usuals... it's just sometimes it's good to have that extra opinion, you know) they sympathized... and now i still just want to be happy and figure that stuff out,i just guess i can't expect for it to be fixed in one weekend, or maybe i shouldn't expect it to be worked out at all, i just have to try and see what happens. oh well i'm really just kinda blabbering now. I'm out

that bit the big one

so this weekend was the retreat. and guess what no help what so ever. We drove to brandon which took about 3 or so hours and got there and realized that our bus's clutch was broken, so we waited there for 4 hours and waited for it to get a new one. the girls went tothe mall. we didn't get to echo lake until like 11. so we pretty much drove a whole day.I did power point again this weekend. once again fastest and most accurate powerpoint EVER. thats right i rule. so anyways saturday night they had this big night andyou could pray with someone if you wanted. So i desperately wanted to but i didn't so nnothing really got fixed. The next day we got back on the bus and drove home. so in other words we pretty much drove 2 full days for 1 full day of retreat... remind me again why i went..... anyways i wanted that rereat to fix something, instead it fixed nothing.Although in the car from the church to home i was reminded why i'm not going to friday night youth anymore.. good job.

today

Today was alright, world issues was good, but then the rest of the day was completely boring. yeesh. I tried to get up for a shower before school, but it was pretty much impossible for my mom to wake me up that early in the morning, i have no idea how i'll do it next semester. then i went to work I was happy to see brady. he cheers me up and helps me not think about stuff. But still i thought about things. It's kinda hard not to when it's everything that you're thinking about and everything is around you. It's pretty much impossible to escape it.I said in two earlier posts that i was thinking about giving him up. Sunday night i talked to him and we decided that it maybe best for me until I sort things out with God. I mean i felt like i was thinking more about him and problems with him rather than stuff with God... although it's not like i've done anything major to fix it yet since then, so maybe it isn't him. Anyways i said atleast until this weekend. I mean i'm not saying i'll have everything sorted out by then, but i mean it may be a start. I don't know i'm just heavily confused. Right now i feel like i'm never going to find anyone,and that makes me sad. Not that there's anything wrong with it, but i really don't want to be one of those people that doesn't get married because they're "married to jesus" palease.... it's just stupid because i shouldn't be worried about that. but really i guess it's just part of that whole big spiel i said last time. about being happy after high school and all that crap.Andrea sent me an email and i was very profound and mature. It was very much appreciated but i'm really not sure what my mind is thinking. But idid receive it and i do thank you andrea.So now all i'm doing is waiting for the retreat, waiting for something to fix me.I heard a song on the radio. It said " Jesus isn't listening, jesus isn't listening, jesus isn't listening to me".... i kinda feel like that lately. Wow i just sound worse and worse. I'm really not runny away from my faith, i mean i'm not trying to, it just seems like something is pushing me back more and more. It's crazily weird. I dunno i guess i'll just wait and see what happens... or should i step up and take action... i don't know.. i just don't know

feeling kinda lost

Well I feel incredibly lost right now. I have no idea what i'm doing or saying and i hope to God that you didn't read my last blog even though at the same time i do. I really don't know what to do. I'm reading this book right now and it's a really good christian book, although some of the witnessing going on in this book seems a little unrealistic to me... but thats just me. Just the things the girl talks about in the book ( college, boys etc...) it just seems like exactly what i'm feeling right now. About feeling one way one second and then completely different the next based on what one person says. I'm not sure what I want right now and i'm extremely confused about that. Maybe it would help if i knew what someone else wanted... maybe not though. I don't know.
Relient K thinks they're more than useless... i on the other hand am very unsure about where I stand.
I went to work today to find out that danika got fired. lucky for me, even though i booked off the weekend i still got 15 hours this week, that means since she's gone i'll hopefully be getting lots of hours. I work monday, tuesday, thursday. that's right I got the weekend off and I'm going to the retreat. I have a really strange feeling something big is going to happen there. I mean I need something to happen there. maybe this retreat will change everything and i figure out everything by next monday. I girl can dream can't she? ha. This is so freaking retarded. I don't know what I'm doing or why I'm doing what I'm doing. I need help. Again I ask: can anyone hear me at all.
Anyways about my faith. Is it completely disturbing that i'm jealous of someone elses faith? Yes i said it. I am completely jealous of one of my best friends faith. Maybe it's because I had a faith somewhat like it but i seemed to have lost it. we were driving on saturday night and she talked about how she had to get home to doher devotions... and all I could do is sit there and think "since when do you do devotions?" and What the hell? why do i think that? I should be congratulating her on how much she's grown in Christ in like the last 4 months or whatever. I distrub myself I really do.
But as I said I really need something to happen on this retreat. It'd be great if i got the chance to talk to Josh about so much stuff right now, i'd like to have some large conversation about everything to him, other than in an office setting. I mean not that his office at the church creeps me out or anything....oh wait it does. But as much as I'd like to talk to him, i doubt i would. I feel completely unable to talk to him, and just the fact that i'm unable to confortably talk to him, highly makes me not even want to try. To bad it'd be good to talk to someone. I don't know if i'd be able to talk to any of them from church though. Now that i've given up fridays to work, purposely, i think they'll all pobably think i'm some big fornicator or sinner or something, purhaps perform an excorsim on me or something.... although right about now i wouldn't mind being prayed over. Not that's there's some demon in me, but there is something deffinetly making me sad.
Maybe old habits don't die at all

and they say waking up is hard to do...

Well Last night I decided something that is totally going to be hard to do. I have to let him go. Atleast for awhile. I have a lot on my plate. I've told him how i feel so many times and it seems like it just means nothing, and i just don't know what to do anymore. So after looking at his friends on myspace, and actually finding his girlfriend and seeing a picture in which them two look incredibly happy together, i just can't be the person that may be the one to break that appart. He'd hate me for it eventually.Not only that but i need to get so many things sorted out, if you read my last blog entry you'd know what i'm talking about. So i think i need to sort that out, find out who i am in God again because i'm pretty sure i've lost that person, and until that time, unless i can be convinced otherwise by him actually saying something that helps me out, i have to let him go. I mean it'll seem strange to come on one day and just be like " hey i worked these things out" but i'm using the good old " if you want something let it go and if it comes back it's yours.." saying at heart here. but then again i did let him go... all summer, and in a way him came back. AH I'm confused. God give me something, Someone, give me anything!!!

can anyone hear me?

This year I think is probably going to the longest year of my entire existance. I think it may be the death of me just with how I'm feeling right now. How am i feeling right now? lost, alone, abandoned, useless, like i ruin things. I feel better sometimes thanks to a friend who got me to listen to a song, and it makes me feel better.
I made a really big decision this year and i'm really wondering how it's going to turn out for me. I decided that I'd go on the retreat this weekend but after that I'm not going to be going to friday night youth group anymore.. well i might, it really depends. I told work that i could start working it. SO i might be working fridays from now on. I don't know why I decided to do that. Maybe I'm going to have this big change at the retreat or something but right now I feel completely... well terrible and like I'm permenantly sad. I really don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe I'm just doomed to repeat different things that aren't fun. Maybe it's my own fault too. I mean I'm pretty sure it is. I allow myself to fall into it. At the same time sometimes i think there's something wrong with me... then i think about all the horrible things going on in the world and i think about how selfish i'm being and I just end up feeling more horrible about myself.
On wednesday when i went to the backstreet boys, it reminded me of when things were so much more simple. I liked those times. It's just so strange to think of how things are so complicated are now. Don't get me wrong I know exactly what I'm doing after high school and everything. But in the grand scheme of things I have no idea whats going to happen to me or where I'm going to be. Sure i plan on being a nurse... but where? In winnipeg? In the states? Will I be happy? will i get married and have children? will I be happy? yeah i asked that question twice, but i want to be happy, and i hope I'm happy in the future, and I want to believe that I will be but I'm terrified that I won't be.
Yay another mental breakdown, sound fimilar anyone... don't answer, you! This is a big year, and sure I kinda didn't understand andrea when she went through this big fearful thing, but now my mind is rushing a million miles an hour wondering how much things will change between now and 5 years from now... or maybe 5 days from now.
Where are you God? I can't seem to find you.... I know it's me that has turned away, but I can't seem to find the way back. I hear knocking at the door, but the door is no where to be seen. Help me.

so i quit, simple easy quitting...

i'm gonna be a travelling

So i figured out exactly how much i need to save up for my trip next summer. I was originally planned to book it through expedia. But since expedia is based in ontario, the legal age of being an adult is 19, not like it is here, wher it is 18. So i wouldn't be able to book a flight by myself anyways.. pft whats the point of having my very own visa if i can't even use it. double pft.

So i told Robbie the orignal amount if i stayed at the mariott hotel and booked throough expedia. It would have been 1700. But then he told me to check out the hampton. They didn't list them on expedia. So instead I looked up the hampton and instead looked at the air canada website, where you onlyhave to be 18 to book a flight, and they allow 12 and over to travel themselves.For a round trip ticket to indianapolis it is 688.08... by then i expect the prices to change a bit, whether it goes up or down, i do not know. So i plan on saving a little bit more than that for the plane ticket..Then for a hotel for 6 nights, it costs 545 american. Which is currently 643.53... the rate may change a bit by then, SO it's going to be approximately 1331.61 which is almost 400 bucks less than expected. So i plan on saving 2300 for spending money and taxis and such. I believe i can save up no problem and infact i'm really looking forward to it. I'm gonna save up, but like my mom says, alot of things may change by then... we'll just see.

cam whore

so i decided to be a camera whore today and yesturday and i took some pictures, i had more up originally but some guy that i don't even know commented so it creeped me out. Unless it was drew from the missions trip, if it was you tell me on aim that it was you, otherwise it compeltely creeped me out and i deleted the pictures...

these are from today:




aren't i adorable... HA not
anyways, I'm really bored, and it's really not very nice outside. It's starting to get cold already, but luckily they say it should be nice one last time on sunday. just in time for the drive in movies.

i realized no one comments on my journal at all.. you all suck! someone comment!!

well then

Well Last night I couldn't fall asleep until about two Am. It was really hard to sleep because I just kept thinking about everything. I mean last night we talked and I think we sorted it through, and as off this paycheck I'm saving up to go visit him. I figure that right now my parents say I can't go because I'm a kid and such,But next year I'll be 18 and officially an adult. I'll have my own car and my own mode of transportation. So if I start saving money now, even with putting 100$ into my savings about every 4 weeks, I'll have enough for both a year of insurance for my car, and also enough to go to indianapolis to go visit. I figure that I really want to. I think if i see him it'll do something. ah I'm confusd I just want to. So as long as I stop spending money on cloths that I don't need, because I have enough for about....ever. I'll be fine and I'll be able to save up plenty. My goodness start praying that I get enough money to buy a ticket and enough for a hotel. Also pray that I gain enough courage to actually get on a plain because I'm absolutely terrified of flying and plains...


that's my plan.

as of now I've got nothing to do until saturday and which point I work. Then on sunday I get to go to the drive in movie.

School is next week. I'm ready to go.

March 30 email

"Hey Lauren,
I know we haven't talked much lately but don't get the wrong impression. I don't hate you and i still want to talk to you. I just don't have the capacity to carry on a long distance relationship. I'm still your friend though and i hope i can still make the trek to Winnipeg this summer. I just hope you're not hurt or sad. That's another reason why guys don't tell girls things sometimes. they don't want to hurt the ones they care for. And i care about you. I still want to be able to talk to you. "

He sent me that march 30. It say he doesn't the capacity to do a long distance relationship, meanwhile it should have said that he has a girlfriend as of now and will be with herfor the next 5 months. Then he probably should have added how he wouldn't talk to me pretty much all summer, then on friday August 26, he'd come online, act as if it were old times, and buy a webcam to talk to me, and still not mention the fact that for the last 5 months he had a fricking girlfriend. Man This just... wow.

Last night i had a dream about it too. so weird, i've never had a dream, that actually had something to do with what i was thinking about before bed, before. And it just makes me upset all over it. I finally accepted that a long distance thing could never be, but I just don't like this and it makes it hard for me to grasp again. How could he say that he cares about me, then do that. I don't understand it. I'm just hurt and confused and I can't believe it.\I find it suspicious that he bought a webcam to talk to me. Like i'm a home wrecker or something.Yeah I do have feeling for him still. I probably always will, and i probably will always hope that something will change. Maybe he does still have feeling for me,i doubt it though. i don't know, i don't know what to think. I just wish i could see him and talk to him. I'm so confused.

Sunday

Well last night was probably the most fun i've had in a few weeks. It started it off with me working from 9-530, which isn't so great but money so wooooot. After that we all hoped in our cars and followed brady to Lori's place for the nutro survivor party. turns out i suck at water sports, mostly just racing, and i did not win the bbq. I did however win a sweet pen. Then after that, brady followed me home where i got some more towels and a shirt, and we hopped in his car and drove to skylors house for some sweet hot tubbing. there were like 10 petlanders on one hot tub.we just sat there chatting. it was so much fun. It was really sweet of brady to, i live so out tof the way, but he was still willing to do that.

This sunday we're all meeting at the store and going to the all night drive in for the long weekend. it's gonna be so much fun!Tonight at work, i reminded my boss about me having a review, 2 like an hour and a half later she called me nto her office and i had it. I'm getting a 50 cent raise woot.

I found something out...All i'm going to say is....HE"S HAD A FUCKING GIRLFRIEND SINCE MARCH AND NEVER TOLD ME...excuse my anger. He knows who he is.

Re-do

well My room will be completely finished on friday, my furniture is now being delivered then and my new bedding is comming in then as well. So it'll be pretty much a brand new room.
There's a lot of things that I wish I could redo but i'll never get the chance. That kinda makes me sad.

Rae-anne fell off a ladder and hit her head and forgets some stuff. so i got to take her to the school for a tour, she doesn't remember a thing. I wish i could forget some things... if only i were so lucky.

I'm really tired and groggy. I feel sad. I miss people that don't even care about me and i feel like i'm wasting my time and that I'm pathetic. then again I am pathetic so i guess it all works out.

funn

so last week was junior high week astcamp, and i think i got lots out of it. On monday night I told my faith story, it was really exciting.
I had to campers that caused trouble and gave lisa lots of problems and made her upset, so i was with them most of the time and because of it, by friday i had like a mental breakdown.

then on sunday when i came home i went to go get my hours... turns out i worked sunday... funny, if i wouldn't have gone in, i woulda gotten incrapfor missing a shift... but how was i supposed to know..
after that incident i no longer felt bad for asking for a raise, which i did today.I also asked for my holiday pay... i like money.

This morning i went to the mall too blue notes is ridding itself of bobbi jeans so i stalked up.

i am annoyed with people. they piss me off so much.

sorry for the really random entry

Letting Go

I'm horrible at letting go. I mean I know peope come and go. Unfortunetly thats the way it goes, people enter and leave your life all the time, I know that, but with some people some things, I keep going back to them, and it's making it better hard for me to let go of those memories and those people. This year I want to be different, I want this year to be the best year of all the years of school, because it is pretty much my last. Such I go to college, but that is completely different. The security of who I'll eat lunch with everyday, who I'll hang out with, it's gone. And it's weird. It doesn't really scare me, it's just weird.

Then I think of the years after college. Where I'm on my own. It's so weird to think of me having my won place, just being on my own in general. More weirdness to add to the pile. I've been doing lots of thinking lately. Like me and some people had this really good conversation saturday night at staff stay over. About being the same person out of camp as you are at camp. And I think I have to start trying a lot harder at being good outside of camp. I think I need to start thinking of everything and whether or not it is NCA whether it's at camp or not at camp.

Anyways that was my long babble for tonight.

Untitled (My weekend)

My weekend was good. I went to camp for staff stay over weekend, we went bowling and played lots of mau. It was really fun. Sunday morning we went to church. Boy was that church different from mine. but it was cool to see how oother people worship God.

Sunday I came home,i went to get my hours from work then sat at home awhile.
After I went to my friend Natasha's (from work) birthday party. I and one other person were the only ones that showed up, and I was the only one that stayed to eat. which is sad. I felt bad cus i think she was really hurt, especially after reading her blog. I mean lots of people did sign up on this paper she had, saying they were going to go so thats kinda harsh.

Last night I worked and it was just crazy, we had 15 cats and 12 dogs come in. I didn't take my break until 830 and i started at 1.
I'm doing a whole lot of nothing before i leave for camp again, i just don't feel like calling people up. If they call me thats fine. but If they don't they don't have a right to be mad @ me for not calling, which is probably bound to happen. I talked to kayla last night and she promised herself there'd be no crap this year in grade 12. And I think i've decided that too. I think I am just going to be lazy cus i don't want to deal with crap while i'm away.

Incase you're wondering about my title, i put it like that because of that simple plan song. Put it as untitled, but then endedup naming it in brackets.... why not just name it the name in the brackets... point done....

2 weeks down...

Well I'm back from my first two weeks at camp, and It went really well.
My first week was really fun. I counselled with Randi, she was really nice. We had some trouble with one girl in our cabin cus she had a.d.d. but other. than that it was a really good week.
The next week I did was in the barn. I swear pre juniors (grade 1-3) shoulld not be allowed to ride horses. For instance, us telling them how to get off the horse: " okay so lean forward..." what do they do? lean backwards, yeah, it was interesting. The week also seemed really long, cus othe first group of prejuniors left on wednesday and a whole other group came later that day, so it seemed like 2weeks in one.
There were lots of memorable parts though that i won't write down.
just because i'm too lazy.
but yeah i gotta go

WHAT THE .....

I'm so annnoyed at this point in my summer. I feel so bitter and angry and just really confused about stuff.
Next year I don't know if I want to go to Albright youth anymore. I'm really fed up with some people there and I feel like next year is just going to be really weird. I'm not sure where different friendships will be. They say it'll be close to the same, but really what will it be like?
Or for that matter do I want it to be the same. I'm noticing different things and I'm not sure if I like them or not. I'm really just seeing things and I'm not happy.

I think I really just want counselling to start. I think that if I am ministring to other kids it'll give me a chance to sort through my own things too.
I really just don't know how to think or feel, and I'm just upset and confused.
I kinda feel retarded
I'm sure that's all it is, my being retarded

fun week

Well last week was staff training, it was a really good week. Got to meet all the staff there, and got our staff shirts, they're brown and i like them, they're nice.
Tomorrow is supposed to be the canoe trip for me, but my mom called elizabeth and told her i wasn'tcomming cus she wasn't comfortable with my canoing with the water levels and speeds and stuff. I kinda understand, nothing i can do about it.
I worked tonight, it blew, but it wasn't that bad beause tyler was the closing manager, it's always a party with him.
friends get back tonight,i heard they didn't have a good time, i don'tknow if it's true. Andrea if you read this email me and tell me how the week went. I hope it was a good week. It was fun last year so i don't know why they wouldn't have fun this year.
went shopping yesturday it was good.slept in today, that was double good.

Pitty Party prt 2

Ha this is just a joyful time for me. I'm feeling terribly upset and it's completely pathetic. So feel free to point that out to me.

I'm just really upset due to the humor of other people. Have you ever had a friend where they're trying to be sooo funny but really all they're doing is being a jerk? Yeah thats one of my friends. And all they're doing is just making fun of me, not just me but everyone and it's really bothering me. And I know you should talk to a person when they're upset with them but I know exactly what this person will do. They'll say in this really whiney voice that just pisses me off so much " Oh my ZGosh I'm just kidding.." or when i do say something like shut up because you're pissing me off ( more polite than that of course) she says, again in that whiney voice " why are yougetting mad at me" MAYBE BECAUSE ALL YOU DO IS FUCKING MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE AND PUSH YOU"RE POINT ON PEOPLE BECAUSE YOU'RE ALWAYS FUCKING RIGHT......ONLY YOU'RE NOT!!! sorry about that, I don't normally swear like that but I'm truely pissed off.
There was this one time where our friend didn't invite us to a get together and I didnt get upset because I had talked to him about stuff and he told me straight out that " sometimes i can be a jerk" and so i took it as that, but then this girl just goes off about how we're really not friends and all this bull, and it's really like she was trying to make me feel like shit, and I really just wanted to say ( i apologize for this) Fuck off, then when i was trying to defend it I said " seriously why are you trying to put me down...." and in that whiney voice " why are you getting mad" BECAUSE YOU"RE PISSING ME OFF. I'd love to tell them that they're upsetting me, but i don't think that person would be able to grasp the fact that her words do hurt people. One of those people being me.

no point

Well although Robbie and chelsea remembered and were quite kind to me, many other of my friends, did not pay any attention to the so called important day, making it completely shitty.
This was a retarded day.
I went to montanas and was quite misserable all day.
people can all bite me.

Thank goodness I leave sunday

wow

Today is my birthday and robbie remembered. wow. It seriously just made my day just wonderful. also chelsea a girl i haven't talked to in about 2 years wished me a happy birthday, that was kinda cool.
tonight is synrgy, should be fun, then thats about it.

"Where's Andrea!?"

Yesturday was pretty awesome. Me, andrea, leanne, caitlin, and rae all went galavanting in caitlins car, first we went on by to portage where leanne was caught but the guy from her internship, what are the freaking odds of that, and then we headed all the way back to kp for some shopping. I didn't buy a cowboy hat, what can I say, 25 bucks is a little too expensive and i'm a little too cheap.
After that we went our seperate ways and saw eachother later at the potluck dinner. My parents came so i got to listen to my dad brag about his stupid mail man hats to mrs bobrowski, he just went on and on.... i love him:>
Then we watched a slide show of all the youth grow up, some of those pictures... i'll tell you, awesome.. they forgot poor andrea, well josh did what a dip.... Then they gave this present to all the youth with a card and everything, it was all rather touching yada yada yada. hah
Then the limo picked up the grade 12's.. LUCKY!!! and they chilled in the limo for an hour. And then we all met up at wills house for an awesome party. At first it really started out slow and consisted of us watching episodes on sponge bob but then many things ended up happening. Such as spinning as fast as possible in a computer chair and then trying to run... so funny Becky fell down the stairs. Later on in the night will tried and seriously he was going so fast that all you could see was this blur of green.He decided that since people hadto hold the chair inside, if they went outside in the grass the chair could dig into the ground and it'd be much more fun... so we took the chair outside, will started to spin, faster, faster, then since no one was holding the chair, plop, will fall down go boom. Poor guy actually hit the ground so hard that he broke his shoulder blade.... right before summer too. harsh. Hopefully it'll heal quickly and it won't be too much of a damper on will's summer. Josh didn't even show up. You'd think he'd come for a fairwell... wht a dip
Its crazy to think that camp is only a week away. well training at atleast, it seems like yesturday that i sent in my application and went for my interview, which i got lost for by the way. I really just can't wait for this summer.Today I'm going there for the day actually for some training in the barn, there after I will be going straight to work, I'll have a good sleep tonight thats for darned sure.
SCHOOL IS OVER< I"M FREE HALLELUJAH!!

my heart will go on....

Well i'm completely stressed, not about exams or anything, but whatever, i'd rather actually not type about it.
as i have said many times, I am so ready just to get the heck out of here. I'm just sick of so many things right now. People. I hate when people analyze things and it's kind of like " how the hell do you know?" ugh I guess I probably need to go into details, but i'm really to tired and lazy to do it.
I got an email from robbie, guess he hasn't forgot about me quite yet. we'll just see if he remembers my birthday. hmm... it's in 10 days... well 10 days tomorrow.

I wish it was last summer again. there's lots of things I wish I could relive-redo. There's people Iwoulda reached out to more, maybe I coulda gotten more out of the summer.
I'm using that kind of basic idea for my devotions this summer. I have to lead a devotions at least once during the week. I'm there for 2.....hense 2 devotions. For one of them I'm thinking about doing it on seeing God in everything, or taking about those moments where he seems so far away or so close... it's hard o explain but hopefully it worked. I'm kinda scared about leading devotions. Mainly cus last year I was one of the devotions leaders on this missions trip and the devo's in the book weren'tall that great in my opinion, so i tried to make it better, but my idea completely bombed. what can I say, guess I'm just not that great at it.
well tomorrow I work, then I must study.
Two exams on monday. We'll just see how that goes.

not sure how much more

This week has been long. On tuesday I picked up dogs from the vet and met a nice creepy what i think what a homeless man. Last night I took the puppy home that was sick. I got a total of three hours of sleep last night. So I only went to first period then came home and slept til too. I was supposed to be studying for my physics exam tomorrow.. I didn't do much.
My parents went for a drive in the fire bird,there were supposed to take an hour, they've been gone two.
I want this to be over wth. I just don't feel like waking up in the morning at all.
This is bunk

Feeling Kinda lonely

Well It's tuesday today, I'm working tonight, not really a big surprise there. School ends thursday, well i mean regular classes. Then exams start friday. It shouldn't be too difficult. I can't believe it's over. Monday is my last exam so i pretty much have like 2 weeks of doing nothing before I leave for camp.
I'm so corny. I can't believe how incredibly much I miss robbie right now. I mean you'd think that me missing him so much would motivate me to get off my ass and actually call him. But I expect him to have completely forgotten about me, well not forgotten about me but the feelings " he had" for me. Yet this little gleam of hope, this stupid scenerio I keep playing in my head is of me calling him on Sunday, him not being home, but because he's actually on his way to see me. Then I think YEAH RIGHT. I really ought to stop thinking like that, it'll just lead to more dissapointment.

It's so funny how it feels like it was so long ago, yet it seems like it was yesturday? is that even possible to occur at the same time? Am I just completely messed up in my head? Its quite possible.
Wow, I don't know what to say about anything.
I'm out of here

Anxiety grips its hands around my neck

Well My mind is just going crazy right now. I'm probably going to have a long over due anxiety attack soon. Today is thursday the 9th. Tomorrow is June 10. friday. I have an essay due on Monday that i haven't started yet, then my exams start on friday. I have on on the friday, then2 the next monday then I'm done. I can't believe the year is over. I can't believe I'm in grade 11 and next year is my next year of high school. It just seems so strange to me and I feel so lost. It feels like there's this merry go round and theres this hole in the middle of it and I'm standing it. everything is just zooming by so fast and I can't jump on. I can't seem to fix that either.
Maybe it has to do with the situation with my friends. One of them seems to have different favorites that they focus on and make the others feel left out. I don't know what to do with that because it's impossible to talk to them about it.

I'm not really knowing what to expect what is going to happen this summer. With camp. with certain people going to counsell. It's just going to be a very weird situation that is going to be interesting to see how the whole thing pans out. I might be working on the days that I'm home from camp too. I went into work last night after Synrgy to drop a key off for mike. Lori was closing so I took it as a chance to talk to her and make sure it was cool with her because I left a schedual with Natalie who told me that Lori had actually seen it. But turns out that Natalie might have lied to me because when I went to talk to Lori about it, she said she had not seen it and it was on the bottom of a pile of papers on her desk. I'm just mad because it could have put me in a REALLY bad situation if I hadn't gone to talk to her and she never saw it before the time had come for me to leave. Not good at all. Its all worked out though so I'm thankful that I thought to go talk to her.

I really really really miss Robbie. It feels like forever since I've talked to him, yet it feels lke just yesturdya that I got home from the missions trip where I met him. Oy I doubt that makes any sense.

I feel so woa is me. My birthday is in 20 days but i don't feel loved enough to think that Robbie, or any of my friends besides my family will remember. oh I'm pathetic.
Oh well I'm off to get ready for work

A little overwhelming

Well it's getting closer and closer to school ending and I really cannot wait until it's over. Exams start next week and then I'm done the NEXT Monday. I'm pretty much ready just for the summer to come and for me to get the heck out of here. In my last post I mentioned how I felt kind of left out right, so I feel kinda stupid for saying this, but I'd rather not hang out with them rather than feel left out when I'm around them, so I've kind of just been seperating myself. I'm not sure what I am thinking right now. Kinda all stupid for the time being, but like I said, I think I'm really just ready to get away.

Camp is getting really close, they've been sending me all the reading packages, there's a lot there and it's kind of overwhelming. I'm getting really nervous, but of course I'm still really excited.
Me and my mom went out last night and bought a new back pack ( for the canoe trip) and an alarm clock for when I'm in a cabin. There's still some stuff I'm going to get before the trip ( a new bible ( the kind with the devotions in side and such) and a new flashlight and maybe other stuff, don't know what exactly)

Tomorrow I am going to Rae's before SynRgy and it shall be a good time.
Thats about now for now
keep it real
Lauren

Going to have a pity party

I'm just inthe worst moods right now and I'm not liking it. So beware if you don't like pity parties don't read on because this is pretty much gonna be a " woa is me" entry.

This week I have felt so left out amoung my friends.
Don't get me wrong, last night at synrgy was amazing. It was really a night of healing for our youth group. I managed to fix many relationships with people and It made me feel really great.
But returning to school the next day just felt incredibly left out.
All this week I have. I reallydon't like that feeling.

During Yc they had this big surprise party for meghan and kayla, and really I'd love one of those, but I know I'd never get one from my friends, and it kinda hurts. This is so pathetic, oh my goodness shoot me now. ( this is in no way telling anyone to throw a suprise party because no one from youth/ school has the link to this blog and do not read it) but anyways. I don't feel loved right now and instead any feeling of love that I should feel right now is being covered with a major feeling of envy, sadness, depression, hurt, and being lost. I shouldn't feel that way though, because deep down I know my friends love me right? Wait.... I don't really feel that right now... And it makes me so scared because I don't feel like I have anyone to rely on. I really need to be praying about this I guess.

I thought last night had answered my question about whether or not to return to youth next year, and it did answer somethings but this feeling of loneliness really does not help the situation.

"I will read my bible and pray..."

I had probably one of the best weekends of my entire life this weekend. It was the most intense awesome thing I have ever experienced, so far of course.
On wednesday we made our ways to the church, loaded up our vans and made our way over to Regina saskatchewan. It is a boring trip but it actually went fairly well. We slept over night at Celebration Lutheran church. It was a fairly good sleep. the floor was a little bit hard, but it went alright.
Then the next day we got up and again got in the cars and headed to alberta. I got fairly bored in my van and when we got to the giant rotating easter egg,yes canada has a giant rotating easter egg, I switched over to shayne, tim, jaime, and brad's van. That is a party van. It was quite funny.We spent our time trying to solve a computer game, but we came up unsuccessful. Also brad had to pee several times and we had to pull over in order for himto pee on theside of the road. It was quite halerious.
Finally we made it to edmonton and to the people's house that we were staying at and got into our rooms and had a goodnight sleep.
The next day Josh picked up the band kids and soon we went to west edmonton mall, Which is WAY better than mall of america, and we went shopping where i bought so very cute shirts and a very hott skirt from forever XXI. It was fun. Then at around 2 ish I went to the water park. THAT was enjoyable.
Finally around 6 we made our way over to the rexall center and soon YC kicked off with a really awesome fireworks thing and then United came on stage. They had probably the best worship that I had ever experienced. Worship was with them almost ever time and it was just incredible.
Saturday night Grits played. So funny I enjoy making fun of rap. Then Kutless played a set, which was very good. Then we had more worship with united ( awesomeness) and then Audio adrenaline. They had an amazing show as well.
On sunday, I watched Everyday sunday show, Thousand Foot krutch, and the Mat kearny played an accoustic set as well. It was cute cus he mentioned Winnipeg and we all cheered. We also got him to do his first ever encore and I think He was really happy about it.
Then We had more worship with united for the last time *sniff* (i miss it) And then Toby mac wrapped up the event.
We drove til 5am until regina,then sleptfor 5 hours and then made it back to the city. It was an amazing weekend all and all and I can't wait Til next year!

I fear my own mind

Well, last week at work I was holding a cat and it tried to jump out of my hands, and it completely scratched my hand (bearing blood),and I had large cuts on my arm because of it. Looking down at those cuts remind me of the place I was in last near, and for some reason my mind told me I missed it, that those cuts looked so welcoming and calming that I should do that again. Then my mind raced through ways to think of how it'd be easy to hide with my medic alert bracelet or something. And it scares me because I don't want to go back to that place, of fear, and feeling so lost that I can't turn anywhere else besides hurting myself. I don't feel like that, but for some reason the only thing my mind can seem to bring up is that it misses that feeling.
If it keeps it up I'm going to have to talk to someone.
I fear the thoughts my mind thinks.
It is my own worst enemy.

3 days away

So YC is 3 days away, and right on cue, I have a major cold. I'm really stuffed up and my throat is very scratchy. So I'm pretty much just sitting at home, taking it easy so that I can get rid of it by Thursday.

Tomorrow is victoria day which means no school. Very nice stuff. Do americans celebrate victoria day? no clue. Anyways...I'm not working and so I'm going to be sleeping in and all that stuff. Me and my mom also might be going to Canadian tire and buying a new sleeping bag for myself. I really need a new one for the summer, so might as well get one for YC too. It's going to be so surreal at yc. I'm sure it won't even seem real. And it's so weird because I've been waiting so long for it, but as soon as it's over, It'll be over and thats it. Its just so weird so fast and easy things seem to go by. I've been noticing that about lots of stuff lately.

As soon as I come home the count down to camp will start. That'll be a whole new experience.. I hopeI get my schedual soon. I'mjust waiting for the time to come.
I'm tired and sick and just completely unsure as to what to do anymore. Lots of prayer is needed. I could probably use some encouragement too, but really I don't see that coming from anyone.

I have a bad feeling about next weekend, not about the YC experience but something here while I'm gone. I don't wishfor elaborate, but I'm praying for the health and stafety of those at home while I'm gone.
Other than that I don't really know what else to write
Peace love and Happiness
Lauren

I miss you

Well I can't believe how fast this week has been going. I thought that, being the week before YC, it'd go really slow, but suprisingly, it hasn't. So it's only a week before YC and i'm super psyched. It's going to be an amazing weekend and I can't wait, though I'm still not exactly sure what to expect.
The only thing thats going by really slow was tonight at work. It seemed to take forever. My 5 hour shift seemed to take 10. But it was all good. There were some good things that happened. Including Brady getting called in and such. Sold a cat together... haha well i pulled the cat then handed it over to him, so technically.... haha so pathetic. One of the yorkies came back from the vet and cutest thing ever... picture this tiny puppy wearing a very tiny cone. Sooo cute.

Then Tonight I drove home and it looked like there was a mega accident. As i got closer and the cops waved me on, I saw an over turned motor cycle... hope no one was hurt although I have a feeling, whoever it was, was hurt pretty badly.

Today I found out my exam schedual. I have my physics exam on friday june 17 and my canadian history exam at 8:30 on the next monday and then the same day I have my chem exam. So it's pretty sweet to say i'm pretty much done school on the 21. It seems so close.
I'm getting so pumped for the summer. Especially since Elizabeth said she'd be sending out the scheduals this week. I can't wait.
And since I'm off sooner from school than expected, maybe Robbie can come visit.. I really miss him right now. He was a partof my life and I really want that part back. He's graduating next week. Remind me to call and congratulate him before I leave for YC. I probably will on the tuesday, but if I'm working I'll do it before hand or maybe on Sunday who knows. I really miss him.*a tear*
Anyways thats pretty much all I can write for now.
Peace, love and happiness
Lauren

new bathing suit and galore

I'm just going out of my freaking mind these days and i feel as though i have no reason not to go out of my mind. I just feel so incredibly stressed. I wish i lived in the states. Robbie is done school next week, sarah is already done, and i wish i were done. Bleh!
This week will hopefully go by really fast but i'm seriously doubting it will. I have to do my lab tomorrow which is now over due. I didn't do it this weekend, i completely forgot about it. To many things are just going on right now.
Tomorrow night i always work, as usual we're going to have a good night. Jess, brady, skylor and I all work again. its gonna be good times, well probably not.
Wednesday is worship night, me and becky are going to wear matching hats and be all cool like. haha, me and caitlin bought those tubes that you swing and make that noise, i know great description eh. I also bought water wings... they were a dollar, i found it funny.
we're doing to bring the tubes on the bus next week and annoythe heck out of people. as of now i can't spend any money until the day we leave because if i do, i'm completely screwed. but i can't wait til i get to go.
Elizabeth called, i have no idea when i'm working this summer but hopefully i can get to go on the mission trip this year, i feel so terrible for leaving erin hanging like this. I hope i find out soon, hopefully when i get home from yc.

Thursday i work, saturday i work and sunday i work... maybe this week will go by fast after all..

i wish i was married

Today was Tanya's wedding shower. I'm so happy for her. It seems like her wedding is comming so close so quickly. She's probably going to be the most beautiful bride in the world. Anyways today was her shower and she got so many things. Her and Jeff are going to be set and the only thing they'll have to buy for their apartment is furniture.
Yesturday me and andrea and rae went to boston pizza soooo good. I saw this guy and a girl sitting there and I reconized jeff, i dont know who he was with but it was him after finally asking hm this morning at church.
Then after we went to andreas and watched in good company. it was a really good ending til the end, which completely blew.
Me and andrea checked out the schedual for yc and it is soooo confusing,i have no idea whats going on for it now, but still it should be super exciting.

Tomorrow my mom is taking me to sears to see this bathing suit that she thought would be good. I need something really modest for camp this summer. it's not that mines slutty or anything but it could cover up a little bit more. So i'll be buying a new one, well my mother will buy it... i'm saving for next week... maybe after she'll take me to mongos cus as of now i'm deffinetly craving mongo's grill...
anyways thats about all.

Skillet concert

Well last night was probably the best time. Pretty much everyone skipped youth and went to the massive skillet concert. there were so many followers of christ there it was just amazing. So many people were moshing.. i stayed out of the mosh, last time i was in one i got punched and did not enjoy myself, but i stood where i had like the PERFECT view of the stage. it was grand. I also managed to buy a cd there that nate ordered and waited forever for, and he payed more too, poor sucker..
I saw laura from camp! i haven't seen her forever, she's just as beautiful as the last day of camp! we werein the same cabin, that cabin was deffinetly the best out of all 4 years i went. This year we're both CIT-ing! it's gonna be great. there's gonna be 40+ CITs this year. thats a whole lot, which is okay because from what i hear a lot of councellors that were councellors for my generation are leaving en masse... guess you can only do it for so long.

Im really having a weird week and a weird may all together. so far so many things have happened and it feels like the world is spinning a million times and hour, the worst part about it is i get motion sick. not a good combination... alright so that was a crappy analogy, forgive me please. I've been thinking back to last year some more and i'm really starting to accept the change. I don't think I really even care if i'm friends with those certain people anymore. so i think it's really okay with me. I'm also thinking about my day to day life and how i treat people. I'm really starting to change my attitude and i think this week was a step forward in that. Hopefully that will continue.

Anyways back to the concert last night, because of it, I AM SO PYSCHED for YC05! there's gonna be so many great times there. So many great bands. thousand foot krutch, hawk nelson, toby mac, hillsong united, SO manymore! I can't wait,you can expect a VERY long post on that experience

So maybe i'll just think

Well so many things are going on right now in my life and I really just have to slow down and think things over. This summer I'm officially going to be councelling at camps with meaning. I don't know what my schedual is going to be but this is the most pumped I have been since the missions trip last year. It took me a really long time to even decide if I wanted to do it this year. I prayed about it for a while and discovered it was the right thing to do. Last year I was not called to it what-so-ever. Funny how things change.
I've been missing last year though, how certain things were. It really bothers me how much things can change and not always for the best. Things have changed with my friendships with people. Take for instance my friendship with someone from youth. We bonded a lot on the spiritual retreat, but after certain events that occured on Friday, I cannot even look her in the eye. It really bothers me that much.
Also last year on the ski trip I began to become close to certain people. There were 6 of us in the van for that trip, one of which was my youth pastor. At that time I was very content with my friendship with him. He talked to me and actually acted like he wanted to be my friend. As of late, however, I am very annoyed with his attitude and am very ashamed of his efforts as a role model. I do not believe that he will do anything about the events on friday night because he himself has done the same thing, if he were to infact comment on the matter of how its wrong, he would become a hiprocrate. He can be friends with the others I guess, because he has made it obvious that he is not mine. He constantly talks about how he would love to hang out with us at lunch and we should just ask him, I've asked him 3 times and still no lunch. It is for that and many other reasons that this summer I'm going to have a long long thought and prayer process about whether or not I should return to that youth group. I am annoyed and discouraged.
In the meantime though, I will not think about it too much. In less than two weeks 34 of the youth group are heading down to edmonton for the biggest youth conference in Canada. YC05... www.ycgeneration.com I am probably the most excited for this than I have been for anything my whole life. And I cannot wait for the trip. Its going to be amazing.

Work has been going pretty well I think. Because of the success I'm almost leaning towards something in the veteranarian field. But I still want to help people so I really feel like I should have a big long thought process and prayer time about that. We got some very adorable puppies in that remind me of kirby when he was a young one. They're little yorkies and I wish I could just steel them all.

School is going well. we're getting close. only just over a month to go... I want it to be over so badly...
Anways as I have mentioned I have a lot on my plate currently and I could use some encouragement even though I don't expect it from anyone. we'll just see how things transcend, shall we?
Lauren